Keeping Your Team From Becoming a Wolf Pack

One of the problems with anything that involves team play is that the team can go into "wolf pack mode", where they find a weak link in the other team and put effort into tearing that link down. Once that person is down, it's on to the next. While that tactic does make sense, there is some cruelty involved in it; it works by thoroughly demoralizing the opponent through using whatever means are possible, and the meaner the better. This means that things will be said that should never be said, and those things have earned gaming its negative criticism. There is a limit, and you need to know where it is.

Talking trash is fine, just don't cross the line into verbal abuse. Never threaten another player with rape or other physical abuse; if the only way you can win is by threatening someone you simply don't deserve to win. Worse, it may have repercussions in real life, as you can get hunted down; you have made public threats after all, and some people take those very seriously. Threats of rape especially are taken seriously, and can result in you being banned at a minimum, and charges can be pressed in some jurisdictions. It may seem like fun and games to you, but it can get very serious very quickly.

Secrets should remain secrets; don't use a secret for strategic gain. Disclosing a secret for strategic effect usually backfires on you in just about every way, as it not only shows you cannot be trusted but allows the person to use your secrets against you as well. If you were using it as blackmail, keep in mind that you can only use it so often before there is some form of retribution, and using it for a video game win is pretty stupid.

Games, no matter how serious, need to remain fun. If someone on your team starts getting too serious you need some way of cutting them off. You need someone who can boot other players off who can be trusted to not abuse the power. If he says that you need to shut up, you had best shut up right then and there. Period. The bottom line is that games need to be fun for everyone, and abuse should not be tolerated. 

Friendships Virtual AND Real

Peer pressure isn't just about those that you know in real life, but also those you know online. The people you interact with online have just as much as influence on you as those you interact with in real life, and that's something you need to think about for a moment. You may text those you know and go to school with, but you are likely to have those online you message and keep track of. When they are hurting you want to console them, when they celebrate you want to celebrate with them, and they are likely to do the same for you. They are just as much friends to you as a lot of your real life friends are, and odds are good that some of your online friends are your best friends.

There is nothing wrong with that, despite what your parents may think.

Those relationships are just as valid to you as your real life relationships, and that's not a bad thing. Any time you react to another person as a person that's a good thing; being human should be encouraged. However, that means that means that they are an influence on you, and that's something you need to keep in mind: They have just as much an influence on you as your real life friends, and that influence can actually be greater as you aren't likely to guard against what they are saying as you would against someone who was physically in front of you. That's not the actual case.

You need to keep in mind that you need to treat them as you would in real life. There's a part of you that feels that, because you can turn them off at any time, they aren't as important to you as your other friends. It just doesn't work that way: You can cause just as much damage to them as if you were in real life. Worse, you are more likely to cause damage to those that play with you on accident because you believe that you can not be attacked; you know that if things get too bad you can go elsewhere an that no one in the game can harm you. This is not the case.

You are allowed to throw some abuse around, but try to limit it to how much you would give your friends in real life. You need to treat your online friends in much the same way as you would your real-life friends. Besides allowing you to build a greater circle of friends, it also shows that you respect them as well. That respect can be worth setting up, as people tend to listen you, and invite you into groups. In short, treat your online relationships as you would real-life relationships, including virtual gifts, in-jokes, and all of the usual fun, and you will find that you will have a lot more fun online. 

The Internet and Peer Pressure

The Internet has revolutionized how people think about a lot of things. For teenagers, part of that is that you include your online friends as part of your circle of friends. While you may not send them invitations to your parties, you do make sure that they are kept in the loop. Videos are posted, links shared, photos uploaded for viewing: Your peers are no longer just the kids in your school but anyone that you know and that they know. Kids in America know kids in Russia, China, Singapore, Japan, and even Africa. This is something that most adults don't even realize has happened: They couldn't dream of writing a friend once a week, and yet teens maintain connections with people across the world on an hourly basis.

This has its good side and its bad side. The good side is that you are exposed to culture from a wide variety of sources, and not just anime. You get to see a lot of different versions of American Idol, as your friends post their favorites from their shows. You compete against other kids in online games, in FPS, MMORPGs, and even apps. Those relationships are a lot more real to you than are most of your classmates, and that's something that your parents don't seem to realize; they are too used to relationships requiring a physical aspect and you don't. You have strictly online relationships that are just as real to you as your real-life relationships; this gives you a different world-view than your parents.

The bad news is that means that a lot of what would have been private and not gone beyond a small circle of friends now has the potential to go worldwide. Simple mistakes in judgment that would have been quickly forgotten and safely locked up in a family picture album now have the possibility of being around for a long time. Look at how it went for Light Saber Kid; he is now a known quantity and that's going to be something that is going to be following him around for the rest of his life. There are revenge sites where you can post embarrassing pictures of your worst enemies, and some of those pictures go viral. This could be a problem.

You may need to take a page from the corporate handbook and have some form of agreement, however informal, to not post anything that is too embarrassing. You may need to practice a new Golden Rule: Don't post anything if it would embarrass you if someone else posted it. For some people this could be an actual problem, as they are willing to post anything, either because they find it funny to annoy people or because they believe in living a life anyone can examine. Obviously some sort of agreement needs to be developed to deal with those people so that everyone can still take pictures of what happened without having to worry too much about repercussions later on.

Every generation has new challenges to face as well starting with its own advantages. The Internet is both angel and devil of your generation, and as such it is up to you to figure out how to deal with it. All I can do is wish you the best of luck, and I hope you figure out how to deal with it, and soon. 

Hazing and Its Warning Signs

One of the things that can suck about joining a group is to decide just how far you are willing to go to join it. When you join a group there are a number of limitations placed on your behavior, and those limitations form the basis of whether or not you should be a long-term member of that group. You need to decide what your limits are and when you have had enough, but there are some things to debate.

The initiation is going to be a big part of it. Hazing is illegal, but the reality is that every organization has some form of initiation. Those new to the organization are placed on a probationary period where they have few rights in the group and have to do all of the drudge work; they may be ridiculed when they try to say something and usually do all of the work no one else wants to do. Sometimes they may come up with stuff just to see if you'll do it. I hate saying this is okay, but everyone has to deal with it.

You need to seriously debate joining if the cost becomes too much. Sometimes this can be literally, especially if you need a lot of money during the probationary period to pay for group activities. If there is a lot of pain and humiliation, you may want to seriously debate quitting. You may be like doing it, but it may be a necessity, especially if you bones are getting broken or there is a lot of bleeding. If you are being coerced into any kind of sexual activity, run. If you can report any of this behavior to an adult, do so.

Obviously if you quit the organization there will be ramifications. You need to debate if those ramifications are worth quitting the group, as well as if the punishment you are putting up with is worth joining the organization. In theory at least the punishment should lighten up and disappear once you have gotten past the probationary period, so there is that at least. It's perfectly understandable that you want to join a group, everyone does, even the loners. Just make sure that your desire to join up with someone, anyone, doesn't become so desperate that you join any group and put up with too much abuse doing so. You do not want to be a victim, and taking advantage of your need to be part of a group is usually the reason boys become a victim.

Avoiding the Issues of Peer Pressure

While peer pressure can keep you on solid ground, there are some potential hazards. The biggest of these is that there can be a chain reaction created, where everyone agrees in order to present a solid front and to avoid being singled out. While this show of support can be great, there are some times when you need to be the voice that disagrees with everyone else. It can be difficult, especially as there is always the possibility of very real physical harm. Nonetheless, you need to break be able to break from the crowd.

For some kids this is easy as they don't care about popularity, or they have actually based their popularity on not caring about peer pressure. In some cases it may even be necessary to bring in an adult or other authority figure. Another option is to be friends with someone who helps define public opinion among the peer group so that you can mention to him that things may be getting out of hand. However, you will need to figure out a way to deal with the issue on your own.

Most of the time you will disagree with the crowd come in three shapes. The first is that a decision must be made, and a vote is made; in such a case try to make your point of view heard and then either go with the decision or bow out. Bowing out may seem a bit cowardly, but only if you do it a lot. Keep in mind that if you always make your point made and bow out, others will start ignoring you; if you want to have an opinion in something it helps to know that you'll go with whatever decision is reached. The best option in these cases to establish yourself as at least a voice of wisdom if not THE voice of wisdom so that others will at least listen to you. Keep in mind that this means generally going with the flow but occasionally, and on important matters, disagreeing with the majority, making this a hard thing to master.

The second is when emotions have reached a fever pitch and you can't really do anything about it; you must either ride the wave or get out of its way and deal with the repercussions later. You're just not going to be able to change the flow unless you deal something drastic, and that means focusing everyone's attention on you; that requires a certain amount of bravery and may lead to some potential danger later on. The third is when a decision has been reached but you disagree with the decision; you do have the option of rebelling against the decision and carving your own path; this is usually as a point of honor and while respected it can also lead to dangers.


Ultimately the problem of how you deal with the problem is up to you. Just keep in mind that if you don't deal with it the problem is likely to get worse, and you may end up in a situation that is far worse than it started out as. You want to deal with the problem well before it hits that point, making this one of those problems you want to stop as soon as you figure out that there may be a problem. As the decision is yours, this is probably one of the ways in which you earn your stripes, so to speak. Just make the decision that is best for you, and realize that you need to learn to live with it.

The Good Things About Peer Pressure

For all that has been said bad about it, peer pressure does have some good things about it. It gives you a baseline to look at, that is, you can see what is expected of you and base your reactions off that. At a time when everything is changing around you, peer pressure acts as an anchor, showing you how others have dealt with the same or similar problems. Although it does have its issues, it does make life easier when you have no idea what to do; you just look at how others have dealt with things and react accordingly. Just going with where it leads makes decision-making so much easier, and so it becomes easy to rely on.

The problem is when someone figures out how to use it for, well, not quite evil purposes but it may as well be. In this sense peer pressure can be used for good or evil; it can be used to get everyone on the same page and working in the same direction. This is great for any number of purposes, especially when it comes to allowing a group to get along or when you need a large number of people to do something that they wouldn't otherwise with as little thinking as possible.

The best example of this is when there is an emergency: Everyone knows their part and can quickly divide into groups as needed in order to quickly deal with the problem. Those groups can quickly organize and get going with what they need to do, usually with little encouragement. People seem to flow to where they are needed, and loners staying out of the way or contributing in ways that allow them to stay away from others. In the case of a natural disaster, this means that people will make sure that the injured are taken care of, the survivors are defended, and that rebuilding begins. It also means that there is salvage going for materials, food, and water, as well as search and rescue teams. What's interesting is how quickly things get organized and done.

You're going to be looking for some sort of anchor in the storms to come. Peer pressure is going to be seen as that anchor, as well as a way to attain some sort of normalization. It can help keep you sane, and sometimes that's a great thing in and of itself. Just remember that like an anchor it can drag you under, so you need to know when to untie yourself. Otherwise, peer pressure if used correctly is something that can actually make your life a little easier.

How Badly Should You Run From Gangs?

Street gangs do not have the best of reputations, and that's what makes them such heroes among boys. Although there are some obvious problems with gangs and belonging to one, there are some advantages as well. This is not to say that gangs should be anyone's first choice, but they do provide enough advantages to a growing boy to make them a valid second choice.

[Obviously not all street gangs are involved in serious crime. Also, pretty much all that is said here applies to pretty much to any tight group of boys, be they in the urban jungle, in the rain forest, or even in the suburbs. All things considered, there are are few real differences between backwoods rednecks and street punks except the setting and the music.]

Boys need to be able to talk among their peers about a lot of topics. When people are trying to process something it can help to discuss it with someone else, preferably with as much of the same background as possible. The changes wrought by puberty are a pretty massive set of changes, as they change the boy's paradigms on a number of different levels, as they have different takes on just about everything from girls to what's important. It can help to talk about it with someone going through the same mess, and the gang provides that discussion group.

They also provide support for the boy. This is not just having something to believe in, but knowing that someone has your back just as you have theirs. It is sometimes surprising how important that can be to a kid, but it's true of anyone; you can go so much farther when you know someone has your back. That support can take a lot of different forms, and sometimes it can be someone actually saying "no", but having it is always better than not having it. A gang gives that support in spades, especially for someone that really needs it.

Contrary to how it may look sometimes, a gang can act as a bigger brain than its constituent parts. As each boy brings in his skills and experiences with him, this makes the gang a great sounding board, especially if one is sure that there is a solution to the problem; he can ask his friends if there is a solution the group of boys can figure it out, or who needs to be consulted in order to solve the problem. That applies to any resources that the boys may have; the boys have a lot more resources together than apart, and by combining them they can use them a lot more effectively. A gang can be far more than the sum of its parts.

Obviously there are some potential problems with this. Boys in a group tend to ignore rules as possible, as they are more worried about what is fun and what they consider right than what is legal. There can be a sort of pressure inside the gang to just go with things that one of its members suggests regardless of the repercussions. The support and need to see what they can do makes a a gang of boy much more reckless than they would be alone, especially if they figure that they are in the right. However, that is the one major disadvantage to being in a gang; otherwise it is something that most boys will probably be in and it is something they should be. 

Are the Boy Scouts Relevant Anymore?

With all of the flack that the Boy Scouts of America have been getting there is some concern that they may not be relevant anymore. As the leadership focuses on its Christian roots this is a legitimate concern, but there is a lot that the Scouts can offer boys even today. As they continue to keep pace with most events it is an organization worth looking into.

[The issue regarding homosexuality makes a certain sense given how contentious the issue has been. There is the obvious issue that they have always been a conservative organization, ensuring that they would be slow in accepting anyone with an obvious difference. However, there is also the perceived publicity issue: Despite any number of studies that have been done, too many parents have voiced concerns about having homosexuals in charge of their boys. This has forced the Boy Scouts to walk a line that other boy-related groups have been forced to walk. It's an issue that needs to be relegated to the dustbins of History.]

The biggest advantage is that it's an organization that allows boys to be boys. Too many organizations seem to be interested more in shaping boys to be generic. Rather than taking advantage of the creativity and energy of the teenage boy, they are more interested in forcing boys into being some sort of "paragon of society", and that's just wrong. Boys should be allowed to be who they are and not be transformed into some generic person in order to make someone feel good about their personal agenda. Boys tend to figure things out once given a chance, and the Scouts give them that shot.

The Scouts also tend to teach a lot of miscellaneous skills, giving boys a lot more confidence in their abilities as well as a wide range of skills that they can take advantage of later on. Although there is a focus on survival skills, boys also learn a number of mechanical skills as well, not to mention life skills such as cooking and banking. This "expanded toolbox" gives boys the opportunity to try a lot of different things and see what they want to be, as well as handy skills for life.

They also provide an outlet for competition that boys need. Boys are natural competitors, and require that in order to not go crazy. The Scouts provide a framework for boys to compete and to get stronger from that competition rather than tear each other apart. Those competitions are not just for athletes but for academics as well; jocks as well as geeks gain from scout competitions. There are also group competitions as well, ranging from team sport to construction events. A boy looking for serious bragging rights can do a lot worse.

This should not be seen as a total paean to The Scouts, however. Some boys do not well as part of an organization, and it is a rather rigid organization. It can also get rather expensive, and there is a lot of fund-raising. While it does give a lot of room for creativity, it can be a rigid organization. Nonetheless, it is something worth considering.

The Early Warning Signs of Being A Bully

It's an almost universal truth that dealing with bullies sucks. However, while everyone has advice on how to deal with them, it may be worth considering what the warning signs of being a bully are. For the purposes of this conversation, there are two kinds of bullies: the one that is raised that way, and the one that becomes that way. The former eventually requires some form of therapy in order to eliminate some of his traits, while the second just needs to realize that there is a problem. The testosterone boost due to puberty combined with size gain is the biggest reason some kids become bullies, others because they like the rush of loosing their tempers. Either way, if any of the following signs apply, you may be a bully.

1) You live to destroy. Don't get me wrong here: sometimes it can be fun to utterly destroy something, and destroying competition can be satisfying. However, we're talking about when the act of destruction, of the violence itself, is the goal and not just winning. You want to wade in and cause as much damage as possible and if you happen to win so be it.

2) Rage is your defining trait. This is not just the standard temper problems every kid has. This is when you enjoy losing your temper, when you enjoy the sense of power that it gives you, and the laser-tight focus your rage gives you. You love being able to have a target to focus on, one that allows you to go after it like a missile and take it down.

3) You like power. It's not that you like the responsibility of being a leader; you can always let others deal with the details and if not you can always beat them. No, you like having people fear you and knowing that taking you on is a mistake. You like that people are worried about what you can do to them, and in that regard are willing to do what it takes to avoid a pounding from you.

4) You use threats of violence as a first resort. You don't like negotiating, and the easiest way to do that is to use your trump card right out of the gate. People have a simple choice: Do what you say or get smashed. Sometimes you even try to be subtle about it, but everyone knows that denying you is just not done.

5) You have no disrespect for anyone you perceive as weak. This can be younger kids, girls, women in general, the elderly; it doesn't matter. If someone is weak, it's not that they don't deserve your respect, it's simply that you don't care if they respect or not as long as you get what you want. On the other hand, you may have a little bit of hero worship for those you consider strong, and are willing to do anything they tell you to do.

These are some signs to watch out for. If they apply to you you may have some issues worth working on. Although you have some qualities that are worth working on, especially the strong will and leadership skills, you also need some counselling immediately. Get that and you may be able to enjoy the years coming up a lot more.