To Be Hazed or Not To Be Hazed

One problem you may need to deal with is hazing, and this is sort of where we go into some strange territory. Every group has its way of making new members prove their value to that group, and this usually involves a period of hazing, or initiations. This hazing usually takes the form of harassing the new member, or having the new member do tasks that are basically annoying or even humiliating. In some groups, this can also include having the new member do humiliating or illegal actions, such as streaking, vandalism, or drinking really questionable concoctions. Once certain tasks have been completed, a period of time has passed, or a new member joins, the humiliation stops.

The good news is that hazing is generally prohibited; doing so in high school can result in suspensions and worse for those forcing freshmen to endure hazing. In the 1970s and 1980s schools started putting an end to their traditions of hazing. Based on a number of movies that put hazing in a negative light, there was a movement that eliminated a lot of the hazing rituals. Although hazing still exists, there is little done to high school freshmen today.

I'm in a sort of weird place on this. Although I'm definitely against the abuses of hazing, at the same it did perform a useful function: Apparently the abuse created a bond between the initiator and the initiated. While the initiator was able to establish a connection where he was in charge while the initiated figures that the abuse was worth admission into the group. Basically, the pain suffered needed to be for something or it was a waste of effort and that just makes no sense to the initiated

It also performs a ritual need, in that it creates a dividing line between two separate eras of the boy's life. That is, you can point to a specific event when you reached a new level of maturity. To a boy hitting puberty that's actually important, as there is no single event that acts to show a boy where he becomes a man, as opposed to girls who can point to a specific event where they cross the threshold of physical maturity. Just too many processes take too long and it's hard to say when they started or stopped; a ritual is required to show that difference, and hazing fulfills that function.

On the other hand, a lot of kids were hurt and some killed due to hazing. Some of the humiliation endured due to hazing was bad enough that the boy committed suicide.Hazings have also been the cause for a lot of vandalism, and gang initiations have been responsible for a lot of other crime, most notably the boy's first murder. Some initiations have gotten a lot darker and nastier. In short, hazing may be great for the majority of boys but there is the issue of that minority, so while I would love to recommend the whole concept I can only suggest you find someone you can trust and talk them into initiating you. If you can, all I can suggest is that you do your level best to endure it and hope you come out the other side...

Trying to be Popular

When it comes to defining your own identity, there are some things you can do. The reality is that you have two options for the majority of how others perceive you: You can either be yourself and hope that's okay with others, or you can manage every aspect of your identity and have no time for anything else. Let's look at the cons and pros of each.

Managing your identity can be a lot of work, but it does mean you're going to likely be one of the popular kids. When I say it requires a lot of work, I mean you'll need to spend a lot of time keeping track of current trends, establishing contacts, and maintaining social networks. You will also be managing your wardrobe, keeping it up to date and constantly shopping for more clothes. And then there is the physical maintenance as well, such as haircuts, manipedis, keeping an eye on what you eat, and making sure you get all of the right exercises. In short, there is a lot of work involved in being what everyone expects you to be and there really isn't a lot of time you can spend doing anything else, but you will be invited to just about every party.

On the other hand, being yourself means fewer parties but greater freedom. You can play all of the games you want, you can work out or not, or you can just hang out with your friends. You can also afford to be honest; popularity usually means being nice to everyone, and that can get annoying. It also means that people have less power over your actions; if they threaten to uninvite you unless you do something you would rather not. Sure, you're not going to get all the girls but you will have friends rather than associates.

Obviously all that work a popular person puts into being popular will pay off later on as he is able to draw on those for any kind of business he happens to run, especially if it happens to be local, so there are some advantages to putting in all of that work. To be popular or not to be popular, that is the question, and you only you get to decide which one.

How Others Define You

This is the age where you start worrying about how other perceive you, and you are likely to dress accordingly. After all, you can at least look normal and that you are trying to fit in, even if you would prefer to hide elsewhere. I guess I should offer some basic advice.

Try to avoid fads that make you look like an idiot. There are just some looks that not everyone can pull off. A plastic mesh shirt requires a certain physical build to pull off, for example, and pants with lots of zippers always look silly. Always debate tight clothes; they are uncomfortable and may get you attention you don't want. For some ideas of fashions that look really horrible, look at the 1970s and 1980s, and I say this as someone who survived high school in the 1980s.

Debate clothes that put you at a tactical disadvantage. Some clothes seem to be developed solely for the idea of helping get their wearers killed; they make it harder to fight, run away, or give you some sort of disadvantage when it comes to surviving. Obviously I'm looking at wearing pants lower than your waist, as the pants can easily be pulled down, stopping you in your tracks, not to mention you can't run in them. Plastic-soled shoes also count, as they make running hard. Suspenders are of course always debatable.

Really debate anything permanent. Anything that marks you permanently may have ramifications that last a long time, and so they should be avoided for now. The obvious example here is getting a tattoo, as a tattoo in the wrong place or of the wrong type can make life more difficult later on. This can also include any number of body piercings, dental decorations, and things like scarification. If there is a compelling reason go for it, but try to avoid getting them just to be "cool".

I'm obviously not saying avoid all fashion. I'm just saying to avoid anything that makes you look silly, has a possible safety issues, or leaves a permanent mark on you just to be cool. Obviously you want to be cool, and that should be encouraged, just don't do it if looking cool is all you get out of it. 

Taking Advantage of the Chance to Redefine Yourself

One of the cool things about puberty is that you get to define who you are. You are actually expected to mess around with different identities at this stage as you find out who you are. Although some will try to mold you into what they think you should be, usually do to limited roles in the local culture, you still have some control over who you will be. Now is the time to start figuring out who you want to be.

Be careful that you are the one deciding who you will be and not those around you. Most of your decisions will no doubt be made so that you will fit in. That's fine. This is when you need the support of your friends and so it makes sense that you will seek to show them that you are part of the group. Even the rebels are actually doing their best to fit in; weird concept, but that is the role they have accepted and it is how people accept them. You are likely to do things in order to be accepted, and that can be a trap.

The problem is that you are likely to do things not so much for the experience but because you want to be accepted. While it's a perfectly understandable impulse, and trust me, we've all been there done that have the T-shirt, it's one you need to resist. You need to debate, however quickly, whether or not doing it is worth the feeling of acceptance. There is a balancing act you need to perfect, where you do need to debate if it is absolutely necessary to do the action in order to fit in, or if there is too much risk either to your future, your ethics, or your health, and you need to decide where those limits lay.

Expect to see a lot of adults shake their head at you. You have entered an age when you can be held responsible for what you do, but you are still likely to get away with a lot, or be punished a lot more lightly than an adult would be. Yes, a lot of it is how much you entertain us, don't get me wrong, but a lot of it is because adults expect you to make a lot of mistakes based on peer pressure and you need room to make those mistakes. At this stage most of your bad decisions will be because of peer pressure, and while we would prefer you didn't, we know that they will happen.

Just remember that while you are deciding what you will be, the decisions are yours. Please try to make the right ones, and ask for help or advice as you need it. After all, your future is yours and only you can walk it. You don't want decisions made for you by someone who doesn't have to deal with the ramifications. You're the only one who can make your decisions; keep that in mind at all times.

Locker Room Nightmares

The locker room seems to be the stuff of many pubescent nightmares. When you were six running around naked part of why you did it was to see what kind of equipment other people had; since it is usually covered up with clothing you were naturally curious what they were hiding. When your body started changing odds are you grew fearful because, with nothing to compare it with, you were worried what kind of disease you may have. You wanted to hide it and then you were forced to strip in front of other people.

[For those without locker rooms: Boys find ways to compare. Before locker rooms there was the swimming hole and sauna In some places public baths have been the norm forever. Some boys have had to make do with having sleepovers. Feel free to substitute as needed.]

Locker rooms cause a lot of nervousness because of human nature. For boys that are changing ahead of the curve, there is the fear that they may be freaks; they are developing things that none of their friends. As long we're not talking pubic hair before 9 years old or so, they should be fine. Although there are some conditions that will mimic the onset of puberty or actually cause it at an earlier age they are usually rare; a trip to the doctor's will either confirm or allay suspicions. For most kids, however, don't sweat it; you're just ahead of the curve and your friends will be catching up soon enough.

For those that are behind it, there is the fear that they will be left behind and have to stay back with the little kids forever and may have to be separated from their friends; both of us these are very understandable fears, but you need to relax. Some kids just develop slower than others, and some conditions, such as being overweight, can slow things down. Puberty should start no later than 15 or so; if you still haven't started smelling and getting hairier, you need to discuss things with a doctor. Until then, however, don't stress; you are still within normal limits.

For everyone else, there are still some issues worth discussing. Size is an obvious issue; having size contests and actually measuring it is par for the course. Penis size is assumed to have something to do with sexual prowess; it doesn't, so get over it. It's not the size that makes you a better lover, but confidence and practice (I'm not encouraging sexual activity at this age beyond kissing; master that first). Again, if you have any fears talk to a doctor, just be aware that there are variety of sizes and shapes so there is a healthy range.

Part of that worry is the cut/uncut problem: Not all boys are circumcised. Regardless of whether it is the local cultural norm this is an issue because boys are worried about all aspects of their appearance, but especially their penis; this makes some sense as it's something they can't control and it is sort of the reason they are undergoing the changes (puberty sets the stage for sexual maturation after all). If the boy is from the section that isn't the cultural norm it makes him even more nervous. All you can do is accept that it is part of you, that it does need to be part of someone else, and let it go.

Boys are also worried that they are being looked at and being judged, and that some boys want to force sex onto them. This is not an unfounded fear; after all, you are doing the same to other boys, and there is a lot of teasing about that at this age. All I can say is go with it, do it yourself, and if it hits the stage of bullying deal with it as you would regular bullying. As for the other, understand that at this stage sexual identity is a very confusing situation and as long as you avoid having sex at this age you should be okay. If you don't avoid it, just make sure that you take proper precautions; a condom prevents more than pregnancy, so make sure that one is in use regardless of who you have sex with

[Eventually I will get around to all of the sexual issues, but it may take a while.]

But yeah; other boys are looking at you as a sex object just as you are them, as it's just part of being a pubescent boy with hormones raging. At this stage you have no control who you are attracted to, and you are going to look at those you have some familiarity with and respect; you're likely to be be attracted to boys you worship, as those that worship you may have dreams of you. Yeah, it's creepy, but you just have to accept it for right now.

So...the locker room is the site of many pubescent fears. All I can say is that while they are legitimate, you just need to get in there, scrub up, and get out as quickly as possible. You need to face your fears, get over your issues, and realize that it's more likely that someone else is dealing with the same issues. We all had to go through it, will go through it, or are currently dealing with it; just deal with it.

The Social Changes Begin

When you look at you and your friends it's hard not to compare yourselves to a wolfpack. You've got a leader, his second-in-command, and at least one person who loves to fight and another that can make peace. You have found out how, over the years, that you can depend on each other, and that they have your back when yours is against the wall, just like you have theirs.

When boys hit puberty those bonds will be tested and possibly strengthened. As your bodies change so may your roles. Just as we've discussed your mind and body, now we get to discuss what role you will have in your group. As boys change, the dynamics of the group change as well. This is just noting that the leader may become a follower, and the guy who was the quietest may become the loudest. Your group evolves over time, and sometimes events force that evolution. Puberty is one of those events.

As we look into group dynamics, remember that they can change at any time. That's fine, and while it may be resisted it will happen to at least some degree. You just need to realize that you are part of a group and that group will help you survive puberty. 

How to Escape From the Ghetto

PSG
It has never been easy to be young and black in America, and the events in Ferguson have brought this home. Events like this hit the youngest, especially as they demonstrate that an already uncertain future is all that more uncertain. With all that is against them. all I can do is offer some basic advice, even as I recognize that it may be a bit cliched. That first cliche is that not all is as bad as it can be and that things can get better, but you need to be the one that makes the change in your life.

Here's the deal: I know that this advice will fall on initially deaf ears. Once you have made the mistake yourself once, twice, hopefully no more than than three times. Experience is unfortunately the best teacher. So while you may ignore this advice on hearing it, keep it in mind for when you fail and this may help you pick up the pieces.

1) Focus.
Decide on what you want and where you want to be when you grow up. Now is the time to start working towards that. You need to draw up a plan and start putting it into action. By working toward a future you may be able to escape where you and hopefully bring others with you.

2) Dream of success, not glory.
It's easy to hew to the path of glory. It offers the greatest reward for the least effort, albeit with the greatest risk of failure. Boys tend to stick to the path that their heroes have tread, yet this can be dangerous as we don't call them heroes for nothing. I say this because it's easy to get follow the same path as those that we have seen become famous who have the same skills that we do. Find your own path, and find your own success.

3) Resist peer pressure.
Nothing is more powerful than the desire to be liked and loved by one's peers. At the same time, there is nothing more dangerous than seeking acceptance. You will do things just to be part of the group and some of those things will be things you regret. Again, strive to follow your own path. Seek advice from others, sure, and defend those you love, but you need to realize that limiting your actions to following the herd will always be the path to ruin.

4) Be part of something.
As humans we're intrinsically social animals. We're at our most powerful when we act as a group. By being part of a group we make ourselves greater than we are. You gain a lot of strength by being part of something bigger than you are. This is not a contradiction of the last statement; you just need to know when to be part of a group and when to be yourself. You need to realize when something is wrong, when it's going the wrong way, and not be afraid to change that path.

In short, be you. Whatever that is, find it, and embrace it. Follow that to the end just to see where it goes. You only live once, right? Why waste it being someone else?

How to Survive a Bad Cop

As the events of Ferguson play themselves out it bears repeating that racism is alive and kicking, but there are some ways to combat it. Although most cops are not part of the problem, and actually do a great job at it, with some going above and beyond the call of duty, there are still a lot of cops that bring their issues to work. An encounter with that cop at the wrong time could end with you in a bad position and possibly dead. However, it is possible to deal with the situation and be around the next day. Here are some tips on how to survive a encounter with a racist cop, or even one that is having a really bad day.

1) Travel in packs. I know it's a horror movie cliche, but by yourself you present an easier target than if you are with friends. If the cop is looking for an easy target, he's looking for an individual, not a group. Even a pair presents a challenge that may not be worth it. More to the point, if something bad does goes down, the other person can run and get some help.  So when possible, travel in a goup.

2) Drop the attitude. This is one time you need to be respectful of the cop, and preferably without sarcasm. Most cops are just doing their job, and the sooner they are done with you the quicker they are going to move on to someone else. Also, if you get a reputation for being nice to the cops, if something goes down you may get a little leeway and questions may get asked that act in your defense. If the cop is there looking for a reason to bust you, being respectful and meaning it is the best way to defuse him. On the other hand, if you act disrespectful and goad him, odds are good that he will respond in kind and that will usually not end good for you.

3) Do what he says. Most cops know the limits, legal and courtesy, of the situation and play to those limits. However, some cops abuse their power and will do things they know are illegal just to show that they can. The best you can do is play through the situation and let the bully do what he wants. Once the situation is over and the cop leaves, the situation changes. You want to survive it, preferably uninjured, and the only way to do that is to do what the cop says. And, yeah; that starts when he shouts "FREEZE!"; do not move.

4) After the situation: Tell an adult what happened immediately and let them handle the situation, even if you have to push a little. Even if the situation is ignored, you want it on the record and the easiest way to do that is to phone it in. At the very least, unless the precinct commander is an idiot or corrupt himself, eventually enough complaints will come in that they will hit a critical mass and something will be done about the cop, even if it's just putting him at the desk. Also, if the cop is sued or prosecuted, you then have a record of the abuse. But those complaints need to be raised first for anyone to do anything about them.

5) Be able to hit record in one motion, or at least remember to tell the phone to record as the cop pulls up. You need to realize that the more evidence you have against a cop or a group of cops, the more solid your case is. Being able to hit the record button as you are puting the phone down gives you two advantages: You can get at least an audi recording of the event that can be used later, and you start the encounter by giving the cop some respect by showing you are focusing on him. As most cops will ignore the phone it has the potential to be a great evidence collector. And if you happen to be on the phone with someone when the cops show up, have that someone start recording and don't hang up. Yeah; A lot of jurisdictions have laws against recording a private conversation, but a conversation with a cop is considered public record and therefore not covered.

Remember to travel in packs, treat the cop respectfully and do what he says, record everything a cop says, and make sure you tell someone later: This advice should help you survive an encounter with a bad cop and put him away if something happens. But may you not require it!