Blaming Your Psychological Problems on Your Family

Boys have a lot of daddy issues at this age. With all of the changes that you are going through there is a certain degree of understandable curiosity about how you will turn out, and the best indicator of that is your dad.

The curiosity aspect is something that gets a lot of kids. There is a lot of the nature versus nurture issue present here: You're never sure how much of who you are comes from the environment you are raised in or from your parents. At this age you stop listening to family histories for events and start listening for character traits, such as how is athletic, bad tempers, or the ones that rebelled; you want to see who has something in common with you and how they turned out. Of course, you are looking more for those who suffered from the same as you and whether or not they survived.

If you think it's neurotic, it's not not. It's normal, and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of weird things are happening, and no book ever seems to have the answers you are looking for, so you start raiding the family histories for signs of your imminent descent into madness or worse. You're sure that you're suffering from some weird psychological disorder and that if you look at your family history long enough you'll find others that suffered from the same disorder. Odds are good you'll find one of your relatives suffered from something similar, and odds are good it's the one you are scared the most of becoming.

And if you are looking at your family for weirdness, they are looking at you for the same. They have no idea how bad any family illnesses will hit you, and how much is just you being a kid. If you start demonstrating some of the signs that they are looking for, you may told about it or sent to counseling for it; if they start suspecting you of kleptomania or drugs, they are likely to act on it rather than backing off. It's aggravating, but it's a sign of how much they care. This is one time when it's better to care more than not at all.

There is some good news/bad news: No one suffers from the same disorder the same way. Just because someone else in your family suffers from the same disorder as you do, does not mean that you will suffer to the same degree: You may suffer more, you may suffer less. You never know, and sometimes you only think you are suffering from it. As such just remember to watch out and if you are having problems let someone know so you can at least talk about it. Some problems are going to be just a matter of talking them out, while others need some actual therapy; if you have questions about what's going on inside your head, it's time to discuss things. You may be doing better than you think, and if you aren't there are things that can be done about it.

You have enough to stress over. Your family's history should not be one of those things so now may be the time to talk about it. Not only will you get some great stories out of it, but it may explain a lot. 

Parents and Other Obstacles to Teenage Fun

For most teenagers one of the biggest problems will always be the parents. Kids are always trying to get away with everything that they can, and the parents are the ones responsible for keeping the kids in line. Another way to look at this relationship is that kids push their limits in order to demonstrate that they are capable of handling more responsibility and thus worthy of being treated as adults, even as the parent must enforce the law in order to ensure respect for authority: the kid takes on the attitude that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, which causes a lot of stress for the parent.
This relationship tends to get a little frazzled, and makes for some interesting dynamics.

It breaks down to respect and territory. Territory is the easy one to deal with, but can also create the biggest problem. Territory tends to be a zero-sum game: There is only so much territory and the boy wants his share. The problem is that the parents are only willing to rent him out the space, but are willing to respect the territory as long as the kid works for it. Suffice to say that as he gets older he wants more territory, but it's not likely to happen, especially if he has siblings. This territory doesn't need to be physical, it can be just about anything, but it does need to be won. Consider this a heads up: I've already covered this territory, but I'm sure I'll return to it.

Respect is the other fun issue. As you get older you want more respect, and sometimes the easiest way to earn is to do something to earn it. Some of those things are done despite parental approval in hopes that the response will gain respect from the parents, while other things to gain respect from friends and other people you want to impress. Suffice to say that most of your activities are going to be based on earning the respect of one person or another. Again, this is a head's up so that we can table this discussion.

The deal is that we're going to be discussing a lot about why parents and teenagers will always fight, and why that's not necessarily a bad thing. However, most of those conflicts are all about respect and territory, and the acquiring thereof. There re some other issues, of course, but those are the big ones. With that in mind, it's time to discuss parents and how big of a pain they can be.

[Oh, and expect to see a lot of articles for girls coming up. This a weird area for them as well.]

Clubs and the Usual Dangers

There are some dangers when it comes to joining a group, and a wise man knows the problems ahead of time. It is important to recognize that not all groups are as good as they may seem, and that while they may have the good of the group as a whole in mind, they may not be so worried about the interests of the individual. Because of this there are any number of potential issues that need to be worried about when joining a group. These usually come down to hazing, illegal acts, and immoral acts.

Hazing is one of those debatable practices as every group engages in it to some degree, but if it gets out of hand it can create bigger problems than it is worth. Hazing allows the person to prove himself to the group by taking some abuse, usually in the form of some verbal abuse and doing the more obnoxious duties, usually until either the person figures out a more effective way of doing things or someone else fills the role of the newbie. However, there is a limit to that abuse, and it can be hit really quickly. The general rule is that if the abuse is genuinely embarrassing, constitutes sexual harassment, or has a decidely physical aspect to it, it may be time to debate running from the group, and possibly to some authority.

Illegal acts pretty much speak for themselves. If the only way that the group will accept you is if you do illegal acts, even those that you consider victimless, then it may be not be the group for you. There is no such thing as a victimless crime, but that's an argument for another time; the bottom line here is that a organization that expects you to commit crimes, and possibly do time, even community service, for the group is not one that you want to join. Again, if it involves any serious time, possibly committing a felony or worse, you need to run, preferably towards an authority. Keep in mind that your youth will not always protect you, and your records will not always be completely sealed when you turn 18; what may seem important to you may have repercussions you don't want to deal with later on.

There are any number of acts that are not necessarily illegal but are against some sort of moral code. Consider this a catch-all category; it covers acts that you don't feel comfortable doing but are forced to do any way. There are always going to be those that push you outside your comfort zone, and that's fine as long as it's necessary. After all, you can't grow up if you allow yourself to be treated as a kid. However, an area that will catch you almost every time is when it involves doing something you want to do anyway or when dares or bets come up; the absolute worst combination is anything involve a dare or a bet and sex, and that includes something as simple as you losing even a T-shirt.

Ultimately, you are the one that decides how much punishment you will put up with. Too many jerks take advantage of their leadership positions to abuse those underneath them. Others think that enforcing tradition is a good thing even when they hated the abuse themselves: tradition is more important than being a leader. How you handle it is up to you, but keep in mind that if the abuse gets to be too much an authority should be brought in, even that person is outside the situation. You need to define what you are willing to put up with, and that decision, that chain of decisions, will define you for the rest of your life. Make that decision carefully.

When Clubs Get in the Way of Friendships

One of the problems with joining a number of groups is that you may drift apart. It may be regrettable, but it happens. There are ways to prevent this, but you shouldn't be depressed if it happens. Growing apart is an unfortunate part of growing up, but this doesn't mean that you shouldn't remain friends. Nonetheless, there are some considerations.

There are a number of reasons that kids grow apart as they get older. Some of these are due to necessity, as kids move from one area to another. Sometimes it has to do with parents moving, or because the parents see an advantage to moving the kid from one school to another; for others it is because something has regrettably happened to the parents. However, some of these reasons have more to do with changing interests as well as other changes wrought by puberty, including such evils as interest in the opposite sex.

The most common reason however is simply that the two fall into different groups and that the groups push them apart. This is definitely an area where peer pressure can be a problem, even as it makes some sense: A group does its best to survive, and that means hanging on to its members. Unfortunately, this also means that the group will tend to shove away those that aren't part of the group; even friendly groups will tend to push away those that don't belong to the group, even if it's just by existing. In order to maintain their original friendships, a lot of teenagers belong to close-knit groups of childhood friends.

Maintaining a friendship can be hard, but is usually worth it. It means that both parties need to put some effort into it. The biggest problem that they will have is the jealousy of the other groups, as those groups will seek to absorb the two into the respective groups. If the two friends prioritize the groups and seek each other out during other times and use social media to keep in contact, the friendship should survive. The biggest problem will be if the groups are exclusionary and force separation of the two friends; at that point a decision needs to be made as to which is more important, the old friend or the new group, and that decision is never as easy as it sounds.

It is also needs to be realized that some friendships will just run their course. It's sad and regrettable, but nonetheless it happens. It's best that friendships be allowed to dissipate if possible, or at worst that both parties recognize that it's happening. The worst thing that can happen is if the friendship goes down in flames, as both sides have some sort of monstrous fight and part ways on bad terms. If that can be avoided so much the better, especially as it means that you will have a contact for life. It needs to be noted that not all friendships will dissolve into puberty; a lot of them do survive the test of time, and that today's technology actually helps that. It just needs to be realized that not all friendships will last, but there is no reason for good friends to become bad enemies, especially if the two of them do like each other. 

Religious Clubs: Warnings and Advantages

This is about the age where most kids develop an interest in bigger things, and for some kids that means religion and philosophy. A religious club is just the right thing, especially if it allows for some exploration of the material. Even if the group is conservative, it can allow the kid to ask some very interesting questions and can do so in a somewhat safe environment. However, it needs to be debated, both in terms of whether or not it is actually useful and if it is worth it; those are not the same thing.

Some religions require that their youth join some sort of organization around puberty. Although this is for indoctrination purposes, it also provides the boy a number of opportunities. It acts as a common bond between other boys who are also presumably forced to do so as well and probably don't want to be there either; teenage boys can feel a little lost and finding others with some sort of common ground can be a good thing. It also allows them to ask important questions of other boys and see what their opinions are, to see if they share the same opinion or have a different one. Both of these provide a necessary normalization, where the boy finds out that he is just as screwed up as everyone else but it's cool because everyone else is.

It also provides a link to past generations. Boys need to know that they have something in common in the men that they know, especially fathers and grandfathers.They need to know that they are on the same path to manhood as those prior; if they aren't men yet, it helps to have some milestones to work with. Joining those mandatory sucks, but it's becomes a torture that they can share with their fathers and so that makes it sort of cool; it's a mutual pain that they can brag about enduring to those that both understand the pain and who can show them how much worse it is.

The only major problem is that the church fathers (or whatever the source organization is) tend to put the most conservative person in charge of the boys, and that is usually the worst thing that they can do. That kind of instructor is usually ill-prepared for the questions that come up, as he doing it more to control the boys than teach them. Suffice to say that it quickly becomes an obviously bad match, especially when he realizes that he hates kids, and especially boys. Although he can preach dogma, he is going to have problems relating to the boys and they are likely to have questions he just isn't going to answer.

Church youth groups (and their equivalent in other faiths) have some advantages when it comes to feeling normal. There are some potential issues when it comes to groups that are worried more about indoctrination rather than answering questions, but otherwise they can be great groups. Just be cautious when you can, and at least appear to go with the grain when you need to. Have fun, and remember that there is a lot more than learning available if you look closely enough.

The Social Importance of Clubs

Part of the school experience is belonging to clubs. Kids can find those that share the same interests as them quickly and easily, allowing them a way to socialize based on a common experience. They can also find people who can answer questions they may have, as well as get better at what they do. Of course, what makes them popular is that they provide a great social out for kids that is reasonably safe.

It's that aspect that is probably the most important. Kids have few areas where they can be themselves and which are not watched closely. Most clubs are safe havens for kids, where they can go and talk about things that they are serious about that aren't about the usual problems. Kids need that chance to get away from the usual problems and deal with some problems that aren't as serious as others, and allows them to have some fun.

Of course there is also the prospect of being able to do stuff that just one kid would have problems doing by himself. A group of kids can hold marathon sessions to get things done, and by combining talents and schedules they can make fund-raisers more successful. Consider a bake sale: Kids can drop in as needed and don't need to be there the entire time, allowing different kids to start it than end it, and allowing those that can sale the same chance to shine as those can cook. If the kids can't be there they can help get the word out through flyers, posters, and even social media. There is also setting up and cleaning up that needs to be allowed for. It's not important how much they sale but that they tried to do it that matters, and that effort draws the kids together.

Some kids do sign up for too many clubs, so try to limit yourself to no more than two or three clubs, and include sport teams as two clubs. Otherwise, between the clubs and homework, you may spread yourself out a bit thin. Clubs should be about be about fun, after all, not stress, and that's one way to get rid of the fun. Pick the ones that you are most interested in, and go for it! You need to have some fun and see what you can do, and a club is possibly one of the best ways to do it. 

Why Sports Teams Make A Great Models for Peer Groups

A sports team is the ultimate group. As the best groups are based on it, let's look at how it works. After all, the best teams have the same basic parts, and by using those parts to maximum effect the team can accomplish a lot. It can only help to know how a team works. Let's look at a basketball team, as it has a captain, specialists, and even those on the bench that all contribute to winning a game.

Let's start with the captain. A captain must always be thinking in terms of tactIcs and strategy, both the short-term and long-term goals of the group. In the game he needs to be able to determine the best way to deal with the team and implement that plan. He also needs to step back and see if there are any traps that may be in the path, as well as knowing when to quit. Outside of the game he needs to keep the team practicing, so that it not only gets better in general, but also that it learns from its mistakes. He leads by example, if possible, but by making the best decisions he can regardless.

The specialists have their own skills that they can bring to bear. It may seem like all basketball players have the same skills, but the reality is that each player has his own skills that he has at different levels than the others. A skilled dribbler can get the ball from end of the court to the other, just as a great passer can get the ball to who needs it. There are those that guard others and the basket, as well rebound the ball from the basket and either tap it away or in. Even shooters have different skills, in that some can shoot for distance, others shoot best while under pressure, and others can escape to shoot free from other players. While practice ensures that everyone can do some of these skills, a good captain can use people in their best skills to effect in the game.

Those that do not play also win. A team also needs scorekeepers, drivers, and administrators to record what everyone does, get them to games, and to make sure all else runs smoothly. It may seem as if all the fun is on the court, but the others have their parts to play as well. By coordinating between each other, team members can do a lot.

Your team needs to be the same. You need someone to be in charge who is able to figure out how to deal with any situation that comes up. You need others that have their own specific areas, as well as a general skill level. There are also those that add their own very specific skills to the situation, such as a kid that can do research while everyone else can fight or the guy who has connections to everyone. All of these separate parts combine to make for a really nice combination of talents. The best you can do is figure out how your team works and watch what they can do. The best team can do all of this and more; you just need to figure out what they can do. 

What A Follower Needs To Know

Captain America's biggest challenge is being a leader of the Avengers. A leader requires followers in order to be a leader, but if those followers are any good the leader is not going to have an easy go of it: The best followers are always working on getting better, and if the leader falls behind he may find himself left behind. It's why it sucks to be Captain America, who is essentially a non-powered human in a group of demi-gods, super-powered beings, and guys who wear armor that can take down tanks: He has to constantly practice to be better, and if not he falls behind. But let's look at what it takes to be a good follower.

Followers need to keep in mind that the group must always have their interests at heart, and as long as that is the case, then they have no problems with the group. That is, there is an unwritten contract between the leader and the led, in that he takes care of his people and they take care of him. A good leader must be trusted, but he needs to continually earn that trust. He should naturally expect that those who follow him do so to the Gates of Hell, but they need to have a reason to do so. Without trust and loyalty a leader has nothing, and he needs to realize that his followers are always, and should always, be looking for a sign of weakness.

A follower must gain something from the group. He needs to find a niche, an area where he excels, and get good at it. Once he is good at it, he needs to get great at it. If anything gets in his way of that, it needs to be dealt with. The others in the group need to help him do so, because his getting better helps the group get better as a whole. As each member gets better, so does the group; it is better able to deal with bigger challenges, both as a group and an individual. In this way the group needs to support its members. Look at what Captain America does: He makes it a point that those under receive the best combat training, and that everyone teaches the others what they know, making them better able to deal with whatever comes up.

By the same token, a follower needs to have a stake in the group's future. This means that he must have a voice in what happens, and that when he speaks he must be listened to. A follower may have needed information that affects the decision, or a perspective into the situation that may change how others deal with the situation. Even if he is wrong, he must be given the chance to be proven wrong, and not just by being yelled down but through a reasoned argument. If he is never allowed to voice an opinion different than the group's, then he has no reason to be with the group.

He should also be protected from abuse, both from outsiders and the group itself. This is not being given a hard time, or being poked, or even being pranked, as long as limits are allowed for; teasing someone in a bad mood is always a bad idea. If you're having a bad day, then your friends should get you out of it, and nt make it worse. If the group sanctions abuse towards its members, then its members have a reason to go elsewhere. Each member must also be protected by the group, but if the member is not protected then he may as well go elsewhere. Obviously the member must mention the abuse in order to receive protection, or the group is innocent of the charge of not protecting him, but once mentioned then the person should expect results. That protection is part of that unwritten contract, and needs to be enforced. Sure you may be an idiot at times, but you are nonetheless someone's idiot, and that someone had better keep own it.

Look at what Cap does: He gives the person a chance to protect themselves in order to ensure that there is a problem, but he has no problems coming to someone's rescue,especially a friend's, if he has to. He not only shows them how to defend himself, as he recognizes that sometimes he needs to fight his own battles, but also that sometimes he needs help to fight them. A group that does not fight for its own members, even its weakest ones, does not need to have members, and the individual owes no loyalty to it.

A good leader backs his followers and allows them to grow. He also allows them a voice in decisions, even if, especially if, that opinion is counter to his own. He also defends those under him to the best of his ability, be it from those outside or even inside the group. By doing so he earns the trust of those he leads, and maintains that trust; otherwise he is of no good to the group. Without that trust, his followers must feel free to take over leadership themselves, or to leave for other groups. Captain America does all of that, and as such is allowed to lead. Followers need to remember that they choose the leader, and that gives them power, one that needs to be respected by leaders. A follower that forgets that earns his abuse, and only has himself to blame.

Changing Leadership In Your Group

Leadership isn't just important for the leader. At some point everyone in a group is going to be in the leader's chair whether or not they want to be there. That person's opinion will be the important one, and they will be giving instruction to the others. Sometimes it will be because they have the skills needed to complete a task that the group finds necessary to complete; sometimes it will be because someone needs to speak up. Regardless of the specifics, everyone needs to know when to take on the reins.

Most people like to remain in the shadows. This is easy to understand as the spotlight carries with it its own dangers, and the easiest way to avoid those dangers is to stay out of it. Any mistake you commit will be not be missed or forgotten as everything you do is in the open. There are always those that will tear down those in charge,either because they want the position themselves or because they feel it keeps the leader honest. Some just don't like authority and so tear at it in hopes that Chaos will reign. Being the leader means you carry a lot of targets on you.

Nonetheless, sometimes someone has skills that the group needs and that person needs to take control. This is just a temporary situation, and most people are more than happy with that. In this situation you need to remember that your time in charge is just temporary, and that you need to do the best you can. The better you are at giving instructions, the sooner your time in charge will be over and you can get back to whatever you were doing, and you'll have earned the respect of others.

Other times require that someone in the group go against the grain. The group may be about to do something really stupid that may lead it into dangerous territory, while at other times someone may have done something that needs to be corrected for the good of the group. When a bad decision may put the group at risk, someone needs to be aware of it. While the ideal is to let someone know before hand, such as taking one of the usual leaders aside and filling them in, you may have to do this in an open forum, such as a group meeting. You need to remember that you have a stake in the group's future, and that not speaking up out you as at much risk as your friends. In such a case you need to speak your piece. Once you have done that, you can slink back into the shadows.

Everyone has to take control at some point, even if it's just to speak up. It may be scary the first few times, but it does get more comfortable. More comfortable, but rarely does it make for a good fit, so you may never be completely comfortable when the spotlight is on you. As such, do what you need to do, do it quickly, and quickly you can return to your comfortable shadows. Just look at it as something that needs to be done, and you should be able to do it. A little courage is all you need, and you should be able to do exactly what you need to do.