Blaming Your Psychological Problems on Your Family

Boys have a lot of daddy issues at this age. With all of the changes that you are going through there is a certain degree of understandable curiosity about how you will turn out, and the best indicator of that is your dad.

The curiosity aspect is something that gets a lot of kids. There is a lot of the nature versus nurture issue present here: You're never sure how much of who you are comes from the environment you are raised in or from your parents. At this age you stop listening to family histories for events and start listening for character traits, such as how is athletic, bad tempers, or the ones that rebelled; you want to see who has something in common with you and how they turned out. Of course, you are looking more for those who suffered from the same as you and whether or not they survived.

If you think it's neurotic, it's not not. It's normal, and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of weird things are happening, and no book ever seems to have the answers you are looking for, so you start raiding the family histories for signs of your imminent descent into madness or worse. You're sure that you're suffering from some weird psychological disorder and that if you look at your family history long enough you'll find others that suffered from the same disorder. Odds are good you'll find one of your relatives suffered from something similar, and odds are good it's the one you are scared the most of becoming.

And if you are looking at your family for weirdness, they are looking at you for the same. They have no idea how bad any family illnesses will hit you, and how much is just you being a kid. If you start demonstrating some of the signs that they are looking for, you may told about it or sent to counseling for it; if they start suspecting you of kleptomania or drugs, they are likely to act on it rather than backing off. It's aggravating, but it's a sign of how much they care. This is one time when it's better to care more than not at all.

There is some good news/bad news: No one suffers from the same disorder the same way. Just because someone else in your family suffers from the same disorder as you do, does not mean that you will suffer to the same degree: You may suffer more, you may suffer less. You never know, and sometimes you only think you are suffering from it. As such just remember to watch out and if you are having problems let someone know so you can at least talk about it. Some problems are going to be just a matter of talking them out, while others need some actual therapy; if you have questions about what's going on inside your head, it's time to discuss things. You may be doing better than you think, and if you aren't there are things that can be done about it.

You have enough to stress over. Your family's history should not be one of those things so now may be the time to talk about it. Not only will you get some great stories out of it, but it may explain a lot. 

Parents and Other Obstacles to Teenage Fun

For most teenagers one of the biggest problems will always be the parents. Kids are always trying to get away with everything that they can, and the parents are the ones responsible for keeping the kids in line. Another way to look at this relationship is that kids push their limits in order to demonstrate that they are capable of handling more responsibility and thus worthy of being treated as adults, even as the parent must enforce the law in order to ensure respect for authority: the kid takes on the attitude that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, which causes a lot of stress for the parent.
This relationship tends to get a little frazzled, and makes for some interesting dynamics.

It breaks down to respect and territory. Territory is the easy one to deal with, but can also create the biggest problem. Territory tends to be a zero-sum game: There is only so much territory and the boy wants his share. The problem is that the parents are only willing to rent him out the space, but are willing to respect the territory as long as the kid works for it. Suffice to say that as he gets older he wants more territory, but it's not likely to happen, especially if he has siblings. This territory doesn't need to be physical, it can be just about anything, but it does need to be won. Consider this a heads up: I've already covered this territory, but I'm sure I'll return to it.

Respect is the other fun issue. As you get older you want more respect, and sometimes the easiest way to earn is to do something to earn it. Some of those things are done despite parental approval in hopes that the response will gain respect from the parents, while other things to gain respect from friends and other people you want to impress. Suffice to say that most of your activities are going to be based on earning the respect of one person or another. Again, this is a head's up so that we can table this discussion.

The deal is that we're going to be discussing a lot about why parents and teenagers will always fight, and why that's not necessarily a bad thing. However, most of those conflicts are all about respect and territory, and the acquiring thereof. There re some other issues, of course, but those are the big ones. With that in mind, it's time to discuss parents and how big of a pain they can be.

[Oh, and expect to see a lot of articles for girls coming up. This a weird area for them as well.]

Why you should avoid senior/freshman romances

Romance can be a weird thing when you’re a teenager. The problem with being a teenager is that you’re never sure when it’s romance or when it’s hormones, or even when it’s both. It gets more complicated when there is the promise of the romance having a physical component; if there is the promise of something more than just holding hands, then it gets…confusing just isn’t the right word for it.

Senior/freshman romances add a whole other level to the situation. There are a number of problems that need to be addressed with the situation. First off, let’s split hairs: I’m sort of in a weird position here. As an initiatory experience, I’m sort of for this; if you are going to lose your virginity, losing it to someone who knows what they are doing is probably one of the top two ways of doing it (with someone you care about is about the only way to top it, but that’s a conversation for another day). As long as it’s a one-time only, boy did we screw up, let’s forget about it situation it should be okay.

The problem, however, is when it’s made into a relationship. The problem is that the senior and the freshman have entirely different world views. The senior is getting ready to leave the nest and head off to college, and is looking at how he or she is going to change the world; the frosh is dealing with a whole slew of problems from changing bodies to hormones to new cultural norms. Whereas there are some advantages for both, there are some disadvantages for both as well.

The freshman gains the most in this relationship. The senior offers an anchor against the storm of emotions and hormones, as well as access to the senior’s experience and popularity, such as it is. The freshman also gains the possibility of that senior’s experience in other ways, especially if sex is involved. But that’s about it.

There is the disadvantage that the senior may act as too much of a shield against experience for the freshman, and may treat the freshman as the junior member in a relationship. The former problem is that it means that the freshman may lose out on valuable milestones while in the relationship, with the senior actually holding him back. The other problem is that a relationship should be between equals; if one is being treated as a junior member, then it is hardly between equals. So, he gains a mentor, a shield, and an anchor, but loses experience and is treated as a secondary person.

On the other hand, the senior gains little from the relationship. She gains someone willing to do virtually anything she wants, especially if there is sex involved, but she’s going to find quickly that the freshman is going to be a lousy conversationalist as he doesn’t have her life experience. She is also going to be taking lead on most of the decisions; she is usually the one with the car and money, giving her a lot of power in the relationship beyond her experience and the possibility/actuality of a more intimate relationship. However, at no time is the relationship going to be between two equals, and so it’s going to die eventually and painfully.

In short, as a one-time fling this can work. The senior takes advantage of the relationship, gets what she needs out of it, gives him a memory, and needs to drop it. The freshman needs to take advantage of it, and then forget about it, beyond possible bragging rights. It’s not going to last forever, and when it does there is going to be a lot of heartbreak. There is no way anyone can stop it, but be advised that we have been there, and that we know what’s going to happen. Trust your parents if they say that it’s time to break it off. You probably won’t, but at least you were warned, so enjoy it while you can…