Preventing Rape 101

Sex is, and always will be, a weird subject to talk about. There is no question that teenagers can are interested in it, as sex is definitely one of the most talked about subjects by teens, and they do a lot of things to get others interested in them for the purposes of even just making out. However, there is a dark side, and that's something that needs to be discussed.

As teens are into a lot of experimentation regarding the subject, the potential of rape and molestation need to be discussed, or at least mentioned. Put simply, they are the forced sex of someone; that is, either through force or manipulation, someone is forced to have sex against their will. Force is the obvious one, when someone either threatens you physically or pins you down, but manipulation needs to be watched out for as well, where someone cons you into having sex or uses their power over you to have sex with you. This can be anyone, from a teacher to a older relative, who takes advantage of you. It needs to be noted that the rapist could even be you, so let's look at a number of ways to deal with the problem.

First off, let's eliminate you as the rapist. The easy advice is to never have sex without the consent of the other person. This is going to be tricky, as those your age can't give consent and those that can can face jail time for giving it. So you're going to figure out a way that it's mutually agreeable. I really can't advise you on this one. What I can say is to make sure that you are either approximately the same age or lower than the other person, and don't force that person into it. If you have some sort of control over the person, such as you've been put in charge of the person or you outrank her, definitely do not even consider it. This includes using a dare or bet to make it happen; it needs to come naturally or you could be in serious trouble. [Legally, you could be in big trouble anyway, as minors can't give consent; the best bet is to wait until the age of consent in your area if you want to be safe.]

However, sex can turn to rape if your hormones are running high. The two most confusing times for a boy are when you're angry and when you're horny, and if those two combine it can lead to lead to tragic circumstances. Find ways to deal with the anger first, such as intense physical exercise (running, punching a bag, chores such as digging holes or chopping wood) as quickly as possible. If you're still dealing with the other, a cold shower, thinking about baseball, or simply finding a private place for some "alone time" works. Never, ever have any kind of sex when you are angry. Period.

You also need to be aware that you can be a victim as well. Take everything I said in the paragraph about compelling and apply it in reverse: If someone has control over over you, do not let them have sex with you. Authority requires trust; an authority figure that uses that power to make you do anything you don't want to do has broken that trust and should no longer be considered an authority. You need to get out of that situation quickly and explain to someone in charge, your parents, or even the police what happened. If they threaten you, then run even faster.

If they try to manipulate your feelings, the most common one will be your own interest in sex. If you begin to feel even the least bit interested in the person get out of there, especially if the situation is inappropriate, such as at school or when no one else is around. Always have a spot set up where you can run to, and if you can set up multiple spots for different situations so much the better. Once you reach that spot, stay put. The best situation is if you can call your parents and there will be no questions asked why you ran, but just having the spot is good enough.

Keep in mind that as a kid you have the Ultimate Escape Card: The Parental Check-In. No other kid and few adults will question a kid that has to check-in with the parents, especially if you add that you are grounded. This either gives you an opportunity to escape or call for help, especially if used as a first resort. Obviously it helps if you are seen to call in a lot, so you may want to develop the habit of at least leaving a text message to someone on a regular basis.

You also need to learn some basic defense. A good kick to the shin or genitalia works, as does stomping the person's foot. If the person is blocking your path, ask for the person to move. If you can't avoid the situation, point out that you will scream; it may not be manly, but it does allow you to avoid a beating or worse. If they cover your mouth, lick it or bite it, and scream the second the hand is off your mouth. If you are stuck no matter what, go down kicking and screaming; you want some proof that the person assaulted you, and a person covered in bruises has to explain them somehow.

Two assets that are commonly overlooked are cell phones and friends. If something is about to happen and you have a chance to call out, do so. even if you can't respond, the other person can hear what is happening and do something about it. As parents usually take advantage of the GPS function, it becomes just a matter of time to get someone to your location. Another option is to activate the video function. Even if you don't get a decent shot because it's in your pocket, you will get audio; this is an obvious last resort, as it won't help the immediate situation, but at least you'll have some evidence of what happened, and hopefully the rapist will forget about the phone.

A friend is one of the single nastiest defenses you have. Kids that travel in packs are usually avoided by molesters, as kids are more than willing to defend each other, run for help, or some combination of the two. If you are separated, you can arrange to meet up again after a specific time; if wither doesn't show up at the specific time the other can go for help. Again, there is a kid advantage here: Adults will look for a missing kid almost immediately when reported. So if you're venturing away from a comfort zone, make sure you do it with a friend or, even better, friends.

If it does happen to you, get to a doctor ASAP. The exam is going to be humilating, as you no doubt feel betrayed and you're dealing with some serious emotional issues, but you're going to need some serious proof that it happened and an exam is the only way to get it. This is one time you need to rebel against an authority figure; they're only an authority as long as there is some trust, and they just betrayed it. This is when of those times you get to find out who your friends are, but it needs to happen.

Rape is not something that needs to happen to anyone. You should never seek rape for another individual, and should seek to defend someone being raped if possible. This is no doubt one of the most serious crimes, and it needs to be dealt with. 

Responsibility and the Teenage Boy

Responsibility is one of those nasty paradoxes for kids. On one hand, it's one of those that they want more of in order to prove that can be trusted. On the other hand, it can make your life a lot more interestng and in ways you don't want it to be.

So let's cover the bad news first. Taking on responsibility sucks. It means that you need to allow time for whatever it is you've taken responsibility for and take time out of something you'd rather do. It may also require some serious preparation, as you may require some tools and even a change of clothes. Your friends can hate you doing it ecause it means less time with you; you come off as wanting to spend more time doing something else that doesn't involve them. The job itself can also be annoying, either just because it can be just onerous or because you will need to take a shower afterward. In short, taking on a responsibility can be a royal pain.

However, the advantages can be well worth it. You gain additional respect from your parents, especially if you do well. As long as you acquit yourself well, you're likely to get respect from anyone involved. It also gives you some additional cred that you can take on something and finish it, always something you can trade on later. It also means that you can get adults behind anything that you do as they know you will something through and that your word is worth something. All of this makes you a force to reckon with, and that is always worth the effort you put in. Take responsibility often enough and they actually throw money at you.

The bad news is that you'll be asked to do it more often. But that's not necessarily a bad thing....

Time To Peek At The Future

Boys need to be aware that they have reached the age where there actions have consequences. Sure, their decisions have had consequences in the past, but now they are going to be held responsible for it. To show you how serious some places are, a boy can actually be tried as an adult; it is entirely possibly for someone as young as twelve to be tried and punished by death. So it helps to think of the future somewhat.

This is a topic that needs some concentration. For those hitting high school, your grade point average is now something that will take some import, as it's a way to gauge how well you can keep focused as well as retain knowledge, skills that future employers consider as well as colleges. The classes you take now will also affect your options for employment later on, as they give you different skills and approaches to solving problems. A college may also set minimum classes that need to be taken in order to just gain entrance, so those classes need to be allowed for as well.

You are also seen as having a greater choice in what you do. You may still need a parent's permission to do a lot of stuff and parents may make some of those decisions for you, but you need to realize that others will take those into consideration when you apply for a job or for college. The people you hang out with now are the same ones you will be hanging out with for a few years at least, and the connections forged today may actually have some use later on in life. Suffice to say that you need to choose wisely now, and that you will be penalized for making the wrong choices.

You also need to take serious stock of your skill and abilities, and figure out how to either enhance them or expand them. And by "serious stock", I mean be serious; burping may impress your friends but it's unlikely to impress anyone else. On the other hand, if you can expand your gaming skills into programming or graphic design, that can be something you can be really proud of later on. If you can sing, you may want to learn choreography, make-up, or even sewing as well. You can also expand any hunting, farming or other survival skills as well.

You also need to look at your limitations, and see if there is anything you can do about those as well. Some you will need to do something about, such as ADHD, diabetes, or even the need for a wheelchair. Others you may grow out of, such as size or appearance. Others you can find ways to make into assets, such as anger or stubbornness. There are quite a few you can do something about, such as being weak or clumsy; the right kind of physical exercise can go a long ways to making you stronger and more agile.

You are beginning what a lot of people call the "best years of your life". It may not always seem that way, but these are the years when you have the chance to make changes in your life that you want to make and receive the encouragement to do so if you ask the right way. Take advantage of that and go for it! You may not receive the same chance ever again.

Keeping It Cool

The major thing that sucks about puberty is the hormones. Right before puberty hits the average boy is filled with hormones as the body gears up for a lot of major renovations. If you think body hair and height are the major changes, then you are missing out on a lot of fun. However, one area that needs to be allowed for early on is the sheer amount of testosterone going through a boy's body.

On the physical side, it is responsible for a lot of what we associate puberty with, the merely physical changes that are pretty obvious. However, it is also responsible for a lot of personality changes as well. The biggest of these is the pure aggression that teenage boys feel, that pent-up rage that occasionally fills a boy and makes him do things he latter regrets. It bears noting that armies even today take advantage of that anger when they give a boy a weapon and minimal training when they send boys onto the battlefield. As his can happen to even the meekest boy it needs to be looked at for a moment.

Boys of this age tend to get in more blow-down fights than any other age. Younger boys fight, but they are really unlikely to do any damage to each other; they just don't have the musculature , training, or experience yet. Older boys try to avoid combat because even if they are good at it, they realize that there is a chance of serious damage being done and they have Ultimate Deterrent: Girls don't like violent boys. However, pubescent boys have both the skill and the muscles to do some actual damage, and the inclination to do so. This is the age where they get to show just how tough they are, and they are willing to do just about anything to prove it. Combined with the aggression they get from the sheer amount of testosterone in their system, and bad things are going to happen.

Because of this, boys need to try and moderate their emotions. Learning some form of meditation is a good idea, even if it's just closing your eyes and counting to ten. Finding ways to expend that anger, such as sports and chores, is another. If you are going to use physical exercise to deal with anger, it has to be something that is physically exhausting; gathering eggs is not going to work as effectively as digging holes. By the same token, chess is not gong to be as good in this context as a good game of basketball.

If you do find a means of dealing with your anger, let your parents know. A good parent will tell you do that activity when they see the anger rising rather than engage you. Take the hint and just walk straight there with no comment. Do not engage, as in keep shouting, talking back, or otherwise keep it going, and just start doing whatever they say. A good parent will take advantage of that and have you do some physically demanding chores while you are angry. Again, just do it without complaint and you should avoid the worst of the ramifications as well as gain some respect from those involved.

Anger does not need to rule you, and there are some advantages to figuring out how to make it work for you. But....be advised that it's a two-edged sword, and one that can get away from you quickly. Anger can be a demon, so figure out how to calm it quickly and you may have fewer problems later on.

Motivations and Maturing

Consider soccer: For most kids it was just a way to enjoy some time with a father or older sibling. Then there was the exhilaration of physical activity, as a lot of pent-up energy exploded across the field in the form of a young kid. As victory became more important so did tactics and strategy, debating not only how to get the ball across the field but whether or not a red card is worth it. Of course, for some it just something that they do to release anger or stress, and others may be good at it, but they are just for the team.

In short, motivations change.

You may still play soccer, but why you play changes over time. It may change form year to year or even change daily. Some times you may be looking at the game coldly and analytically, trying to simply get better and other times you attack the game with a red-hot passion. But that's not the issue here; the issues is why you play the game.

You're going to find that your motivations for a lot of things change. This is fine, but the ramifications of that need to be looked at. Those changes are going to result in a lot of changes in your life, from clothes to friends. The former is pretty easy: You just decide to change your fashion sense one day, either because it looks like a little kid, or to honor a hero, or just because you want to be cool. All of these are fine, and are usually not remarked on, even though you may get some major compliments or serious insults for a while.

The friendship thing is, unfortunately, going to happen as well. You are going to lose friends, or at the very least the nature of those friendships is going to change. Part of the reason is that you may get into a big fight with some friends, and the disagreement tends to be big enough to create a rift in the friendship. Other friendships tend to drift apart; as kids get older they just tend to find different things that they like that are different from their friends, and so they start doing different things. Eventually, they are just not doing them together.

This "drifting" should not be seen as an issue. It's going to happen, even in great friendships. As people get older they just start to see things differently, and sometimes that difference is just too much to deal with. If they were really good friends, then they should be able to at least stay friendly; they will find that that there are some advantages to maintaining that friendliness down the road, even if it's just an acquaintance-level friendship. After all, they will develop their own contacts and skills, and that makes them great allies down the road.

In short, if you find yourself doing things differently or wake up to major changes in your life, don't sweat it. Things change over time, and this is just an side-effect of that. Expect it, and don't fear it or be mad when it happens. Change happens, just let it.

Dress Codes and Stopping Sex

Earlier this week I saw a meme from a supposedly fifteen-year-old girl that essentially stated that dress codes are never applied to men and that the person sexualizing her is the one with a problem. Yeah, there are some issues with this.

Let's get one thing straight from the beginning: High school dress codes are not for the kids, they are for the parents. Parents are weird when it comes to teenage sex: They know that the kids are doing it, but they hope it isn't their kids. Interest in sex is part of having a healthy kid; this is just one area parents wish their kids were a little less healthy. Their concerns are legitimate; STDs and pregnancy are very real concerns and can stop a lot of future plans.

Ergo, anything that they can do to slow kids down is welcome, even if it's as merely symbolic as trying to stop kids from dressing provocatively. Let's get real: Nothing will stop kids from having sex if they really want to do it. They will find a way, and a dress code really doesn't matter to them. If anything it provides another way to rebel against authority, and the more a kid can subvert the code the more popularity he has, and the more popular a kid is the more likely he is to have sex. There are some good things about dress codes, as they do prevent gang violence, but they really do not work for limiting sex.

That said, boys are more likely to run afoul of dress codes than girls. Sure, you have girls that dress provocatively, but most girls stay well within the limits; girls tend to be better at choosing their battles than boys. Boys are more likely to accidentally run afoul of the dress code as they are more interested in showing off their bodies than girls, and are more likely to forget niceties like hygiene or proper clothing maintenance. It's not that guys care less appearance, but they like appearing a bit rough and torn and stained clothing helps that reputation. So boys are more likely than girls to have dress code issues.

As for being sexualized, she needs to grow up a bit. Everyone is going to be sexualized at some point, especially the youth. The weird part is that most of the problem with this is coming from the liberal crowd, which is understandable; sexualization implies objectification, which reduces the person to a mere object and not a person. At the same time, it is also a sign of a healthy sexual appetite, and that should be reasonably accounted for. Admittedly it's better for teenagers to express that through just talking, some kissing, and maybe dancing, but the reality is that sex is a part of that landscape, just a part that should not be explored immediately.

It's also sort of strange that you want kids to appreciate beauty, but that should not be limited to merely art or physical appearance; sexualization allows a person to look for any other desirable traits. Looking at another person sexually is more than just physical appearance; it can be personality or social traits as well. No one looks for the same things as everyone else, and that is something that should be encouraged. However, that necessary first step is sexualizing others, and that should be encouraged as long as it keeps away from objectification.

When it comes to dress codes, suffer through them. They can be obnoxious, but they can be dealt with. Just realize that they are for the sake of parents, a necessary illusion of control of teenage sex, and that they actually allow for a little additional freedom. So suffer through them, and you should do okay. And it is great preparation for jobs that require even stricter dress codes, like the usual first job in fast food...

Seeing Things Differently

As you begin to question authority, it is only natural that you will question your beliefs as well. Although this is no doubt frustrating to your parents and peers, this is nonetheless an important part of growing up. As new possibilities open up for you, this means that you will see new potential avenues and want to explore them. You need to explore them as possible.

Your beliefs are bound to change as you get older. This is not something that should be considered lightly, but it is something that will happen as you evolve and change. This is not something you should fear, but should be aware that it happens. Suffice to say that this does not happen to everyone the same way, but odds are good that your beliefs will change to some degree. How they change is up to you.

There are a number of reasons for this change. You may have some sort of life experience that suggests something wrong with your current belief system, usually an intense positive experience with a new philosophy or an extremely negative one with your current philosophy. You could also simply fall out of your current philosophy, either because it doesn’t quite match up with what you think it should be, and sometimes you could just be in a rebellious phase. Regardless of what the reason is, you are bound to want to try something different at some point, and this is perfectly normal.

When you first start noticing that your beliefs are changing, it may be time to contact your spiritual advisor, if you have one. You need to find one that you can talk to and is going to listen; you have some big questions to ask, and you need someone who is going to allow you to ask those questions rather than merely keep you on track. If you don’t have a spiritual advisor, you may want to track down someone whose opinion you can trust, which may be someone in a church or temple. Ask around, feel free to approach someone through Facebook or even use a search engine to find an appropriate place; you need to be comfortable asking any questions that you feel necessary.

Something to keep in mind is that just as you need to trust the person you are talking to, there is an assumed trust on the other side as well. Keep in mind that you need to approach the person with some respect; try to keep spurious or insulting questions to a minimum. Although some disrespect is expected, now is not the time to push it. Ask what you can, feel free to schedule a few sessions, and go in with an op en mind. Even if you only go in to settle your own curiosity, go in politely and you should get the answers you need.

You beliefs are bound to change as you get older, as you seek out new perspectives on things and so see things differently. This is fine and is hardly abnormal; if anything you should embrace this ability to look at things differently every so often. However, keep in mind that talking things out is something you can always do and is suggested. Humans have the ability to talk about things; this is not necessarily a bad thing to do every so often.