The Advantages of Good Etiquette

Never underestimate the power of good etiquette. A group that practices some form of etiquette tends to get along better, and that alone makes it worthwhile given how explosive teenage boys can get. It also allows a group of boys to do a lot more than a comparable group, as the group is able to act without thinking. This makes having some sort of code of conduct important.

Etiquette is more than just how you hold a cup of tea. It's a code of behavior that allows a group of people to interact with each other without getting too mad at each other. Table manners are an obvious part of it, as it allows people to eat at the same table without interfering with each other eating while at the same time allowing food to be shared. The same applies to when you can swear, how you approach others in public, and any number of other interactions.

For our purposes, it also affects how friends work together. Ever notice how different people greet each other? That's etiquette. The same applies to how things are shared, how you play video games together, even how you and your friends break up tasks. You have established a code of conduct over the years that works for you, and that applies to anyone you interact with. It's why new kids stand out so easily; they don't know to interact with the kids around them and that makes them obvious to anyone paying attention.

Up until now you've been dealing with relatively simple code. You're about to learn a whole new code as you begin interacting with new groups, and we're not just looking at when you start high school or with kids from other places. You're also going to be paying attention more to how adults interact and mimicking that, just as you are trying to figure out how groups of older kids work. You want to belong to those groups, and just like that new kid in a new environment you're trying to figure out what the local etiquette; if you can do that you figure you will belong to those groups.

Eventually you will be in those groups. You have a lot of rules to learn, but with any luck you'll figure it out. And figuring out that new etiquette is part of what makes puberty fun.

The Scariest Thing Facing The Teenage Boy

The worst thing about being a boy is girls. No matter what your personal take is, girls are the bane of your existence. There is no force more irritating, interesting, and aggravating than the female side of the species, and you get the joy of figuring out how to deal with them. There are no easy answers for you, but let's see what advice we can offer you.

Let's get rid of an elephant in the room: You may not be interested in girls, either yet or ever, and that's fine. They may be interested in you, possibly because of that lack of interest; some girls like that safety factor or because of the challenge. That's fine. All I can say is participate in the usual activities for now, as they may satisfy your curiosity. Have some fun with it, and take notes as necessary. Regardless of where your interests lie, sort of enjoy dealing with it, no matter how aggravating it is.

For the rest of you, you are seriously in trouble. You're going to hear a lot about how you're letting your little head lead you around, and it's true, to a degree. Get used to it, and consider it part of being a kid. However, this isn't about sex; it's about the social aspects of dealing with girls, and how you need to figure out what the rules are and quickly. Complicating the issue is that there is the problem that you want to really want to have a girlfriend, and not just because you're told you have to but because there is some interest on your part. So let's give you some; you can adapt them as needed.

First, avoid sex. You're going to want to both for the experience and for the bragging rights, and that latter is a problem. Bragging rights is not why you should have sex, especially as it affects the reputation of other people when you brag about it, and not necessarily in positive way. If you do have sex, don't brag about it. Note that I'm not saying avoid it completely, just don't brag about it. You're going to learn that the biggest braggers don't do it, and bragging can turn on you, especially when word gets to much larger relatives.

When she says "no", assume she means "no". You can argue all you want about what you think she really means, but that attitude can and will get you in trouble at some point. For now, don't make any assumptions and just back down when she says "no"; you may take a hit to your reputation, but that hit is a lot better than the consequences. Keep in mind that those consequences can include you having to deal with rape charges before you charge ahead, especially in states where consent is mandatory.

If she's being aggressive about it, run. You may want to charge in, but there is usually an agenda if she's coming after you; she may want to see boys fight and the easiest way to do that is to have a boy make a pass at her in front of her friends and family, or she may be trying to make her ex jealous. Bottom Line: Even kissing her can be trouble, and it's trouble you don't want. If it gets too hazardous, you can get away with yelling for help; it may be embarrassing but the alternatives are usually worse.

Always travel in pairs, at least. You need someone to worry about your back, and you need to worry about someone else's. Travelling in groups can keep you out of trouble, as long as you listen to each other. This is a time you need to listen the kid saying run, and you have the means to escape from it, or at least send someone for help. This is a time when it pays to have a mobile phone and a good pair of shoes.

I only hope you navigate what can be a hazardous situation, and this should help some.  

Post-Puberty Parties

One that is changing is the concept of parties. If you have any friends at all it is likely that you will a high school party put on by your friends and, if you're lucky, the popular kids. As these are going to be vastly different than the parties you are used to your parents throwing, you may want some basic tips.

Come with your own agenda: The parties your parents threw for you had a definite schedule of events: You played for so long, had cake and ice cream, opened presents, and everyone left. High school parties have no such schedule: You show up, hang out, try to have fun, and leave. You need to have some sort of agenda when you come in and need to have some fun with it. If it doesn't happen so be it, but at least have an idea why you are doing when you enter the door.

Avoid drugs and alcohol: Yeah, I know you're probably going to experiment and you're definitely going to try drinking, but you don't want to be That Guy, the guy that gets drunk or high, gets conned into doing something stupid or does something stupid, gets recorded, and becomes a hit on Youtube. I'm sort of in that weird position where I'm going to tell you not to, but I know you will anyway. So you need to learn how to nurse a beer for hours, take a hit, give it back, and walk away, and how to basically act like you are doing it while you aren't.

Don't hit for home: I know you want to go all the way, and a party is the perfect place for it. For right now, however, learn to walk before you run: Master kissing first. Figure out where the limits are second and how to stay within them while pushing them. You need to learn how to love before you can really make love, so take advantage of these years to really learn how to do things before you get serious. I know it's one of those things you don't want to hear, but right now you want to avoid sex. Give it a few years, okay?

Watch out for your wingmen and they'll watch out for you: You need to stay out of trouble, and your friends are the ones to keep you out of trouble. At the same time you can keep them out of trouble. This can mean pretty much anything, from drinking too much, to getting into girl trouble, and probably even having their backs in a fight. You need to do whatever it takes to have their back, and yeah, that includes living by the motto of "bros before hos".

A party can be filled with a number of social landmines, and it's going to be unfamiliar territory the first few times. Just like soldiers in war your friends and you need to keep an eye on each other's backs. Take it easy, enjoy the party as much as you can, and basically try to stay out of trouble, okay? 

The Obligatory Warning About Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol are a fun subject for pubescent boys. This is sort of weird subject, mostly because of cultural mores and changing tastes. As you get older you're going to find that foods and drinks that tasted horrible as a kid taste pretty good as an adult; the classic example is Brussels spouts, as kids find them too bitter while an adult finds them just right. During puberty you're going to find that a lot of your tastes change on a number of levels, not just food but your movies, comedy, even stuff you read, and that stuff you avoided as a kid you're charging in to try now.

Adding to the fun is peer pressure. Older kids have a certain degree of fun with younger ones and encourage them to do things that they wouldn't normally. The older kid does this to see what he can get the younger one to do, as well as give them a little experience. The problem is that this can put the younger one in situations that he is too young for, and isn't ready to handle. Yeah, that has to be one of the worst things to hear, and that's exactly the bait used to get you to do things that you shouldn't do. When it comes to a con, it's a great one because it almost always works: You want to prove you ARE old enough to handle it, and the best way to do that is to do whatever you've been told you can't handle. Soooooo...you do it and usually find out why you were too young for it.

This explains part of the charm of drugs and alcohol. I'm not going to get into the morality or legality of either here; they are beyond the discussion here. What is important here is that you want to avoid them. No matter how well you think you are prepared for them, the reality is that they're likely to kick your butt and then some. Worse, they lower your inhibitions, making you willing to try anything; combined with your need to try anything and accept any challenge anyway, and you can get into a lot more trouble than you normally would.

I want that to sink in: You tend to get into trouble anyway, and now you have found a way to get into any more trouble.

Worse, it's more likely that you will find out about what you did the next day at school. With lots of pictures. And video. And odds are pretty good you won't remember what you did, but you will feel pretty sick. So, you're going into school, feeling horrible, with no idea what you did at the party, and you're about find out about it the hard way. Assuming it's not on Youtube racking up views.

I'm obviously not going to try and discourage you from doing it. You're going to do it regardless of who tells you not to do it. But I wouldn't feel good if I didn't warn you, so take this advice as you will. At least I feel better, right?

Avoiding Jerkface Older Kids

One of the problems with being a boy in the throes of puberty is the need to belong. Although you may have the coolest friends and like them dearly, odds are that you all have an unwritten contract that you are trying to become the popular kids, and are willing to do almost whatever it takes to do so, and the popular kids know this. Because of this you need to be aware of your potential for being scammed, and that you are an easy target.

The simplest scam is for an older kid to ask you to do something for him as a favor. Usually this is something minor, such as grabbing something or delivering a message, and that should be considered fine. You're at an age where you are basically a slave to others, but it works out in the end. This is the price of being popular; you need to put in some time as the person at the bottom of the pile and now is that time. Just remember how much it sucked to be at someone's beck and call, and be nice to the kid you boss around.

However, try not to be too abused. You will be asked to do a lot of stuff, and it's bound to be humiliating, of debatable legality, and of even more debatable morality. There is no way to write a one-size-fits-all guide as not all situations were created equal, so I can't quite give the advice you may need. There are some situations that may be literally life or death while others may simply be an inconvenience; you need to make your decision based on the amount of potential fall out.

It's easy to say "avoid situations that you don't feel comfortable in and tell an adult", but the reality is that you are the one making decisions and there are variables that cannot be allowed for. If you can follow that advice, do so; otherwise, try to make sure that you are not abused too much. If you can establish a friendship with an older kid or adult that can get you out of trouble, or is willing to come and get you any time, no questions asked. You should be able to set something up with a parent or older sibling. You need some sort of person you can trust in an emergency, so develop that relationship if you need to do so.

Popularity can a beast. You need to decide what you are willing to do for it on a daily basis and that's likely to change. Be aware that we have all been there, and there are some decisions we would have wished had gone another way. Keep that in mind when you are asking for help; it may give you the guts to ask for the very help you need. Sure, you may get teased a little but it is the price of being rescued, and odds are good you'll need to be rescued multiple times in your adolescence.

The Importance of Personal Territory

Territory is a common theme when it comes to adolescents. When you were younger, you didn't really have any territory. That is, all of your bounds were set by other people; where you could play, how long you could stay there, and even who you could play with were decided by others. You lacked even basic privacy as anyone could check in on you at any time. As you got older you got more control over your environment: You could pick your own friends, you could play where and when you wanted (albeit within certain restrictions and with permission to go there), and you could insist on being left alone in some situations.

You used to define your territory in terms of things that you played with, and then your physical area that you lived in. Eventually that spread to your toys areas and then people you knew became part of your territory. However, you still shared it with others, even your toys. Sure, you had one or two that no one else, but in general it was "territory" only in the sense that it was your stomping grounds, the people you knew, and the toys you liked to play with. You had no ownership; it all belonged to someone else other than you and that was fine.

Now that you've hit puberty things get really weird. One of the big things is that now you have ownership. If someone messes with your favorite park, you get ticked. If someone messes with your belongings, even your old toys, you have no problem glaring at the person messing with them.On the other hand, if something great happens to your house you feel a sense of pride in the happening. Sure, you may be a junior owner with legal rights in the situation, but people had best respect that they are messing with your territory.

This has some interesting side effects. If someone attacks someone from the same neighborhood, you'll defend that person even if you hate the guy. If the local park needs cleaning up, odds are you'll show up to help. You just feel an attachment to the area, and you feel out of place when you are away from it. Understandably there are areas and objects that are high priority to you, and everything else in your territory is prioritized all the way down to the lowest priority.

This applies to your friends as well; you have your best friends and then everyone else is prioritized based on enemies, aids, allies, and people that are just in the background. The closer the person is to you the more important they are to you, and the more likely you are to defend that person, as well as give that person a hard time; an emotional investment goes both ways. It's also why boys like people that insult them; you never put any effort into people you don't like.

But...the point is that you have actual territory, even if it's technically not yours, and you are willing to do whatever it takes to defend that territory. For some reason that includes your friends, and that need to defend your friends explains a lot of your interaction with other people; someone says something that even sounds insulting about your friends and you are all over them like white on rice. This can make for some interesting social situations, as insults need to be avoided on all sides while at the same time establishing that there is some respect for the territory for all sides, especially when there is some debate over who owns what exactly.

For now, just realize that such territory exists, and that you need to be aware of what territory is claimed on both sides. The good news is that some people become friends based on shared territory as they band together to defend it, both the physical area and people, even as others find themselves in dispute. Always try to become friends with those who share the same territory; even if there are rivalries they can always be friendly ones. When it comes down to it, having multiple defenders is always better than just one ....

To Be Hazed or Not To Be Hazed

One problem you may need to deal with is hazing, and this is sort of where we go into some strange territory. Every group has its way of making new members prove their value to that group, and this usually involves a period of hazing, or initiations. This hazing usually takes the form of harassing the new member, or having the new member do tasks that are basically annoying or even humiliating. In some groups, this can also include having the new member do humiliating or illegal actions, such as streaking, vandalism, or drinking really questionable concoctions. Once certain tasks have been completed, a period of time has passed, or a new member joins, the humiliation stops.

The good news is that hazing is generally prohibited; doing so in high school can result in suspensions and worse for those forcing freshmen to endure hazing. In the 1970s and 1980s schools started putting an end to their traditions of hazing. Based on a number of movies that put hazing in a negative light, there was a movement that eliminated a lot of the hazing rituals. Although hazing still exists, there is little done to high school freshmen today.

I'm in a sort of weird place on this. Although I'm definitely against the abuses of hazing, at the same it did perform a useful function: Apparently the abuse created a bond between the initiator and the initiated. While the initiator was able to establish a connection where he was in charge while the initiated figures that the abuse was worth admission into the group. Basically, the pain suffered needed to be for something or it was a waste of effort and that just makes no sense to the initiated

It also performs a ritual need, in that it creates a dividing line between two separate eras of the boy's life. That is, you can point to a specific event when you reached a new level of maturity. To a boy hitting puberty that's actually important, as there is no single event that acts to show a boy where he becomes a man, as opposed to girls who can point to a specific event where they cross the threshold of physical maturity. Just too many processes take too long and it's hard to say when they started or stopped; a ritual is required to show that difference, and hazing fulfills that function.

On the other hand, a lot of kids were hurt and some killed due to hazing. Some of the humiliation endured due to hazing was bad enough that the boy committed suicide.Hazings have also been the cause for a lot of vandalism, and gang initiations have been responsible for a lot of other crime, most notably the boy's first murder. Some initiations have gotten a lot darker and nastier. In short, hazing may be great for the majority of boys but there is the issue of that minority, so while I would love to recommend the whole concept I can only suggest you find someone you can trust and talk them into initiating you. If you can, all I can suggest is that you do your level best to endure it and hope you come out the other side...