Competing Against Your Family

This is the age where you seem to be pushing yourself a lot, and usually against those you know the best. This isn't just a matter of getting better; teenagers are heavy into competition. It may be the cause of a lot of anger as well as frustration, but it's also a way of dealing with same. Competition is the way of the teenager, especially when it helps to deal with a lot of the stress of being a kid. This competition takes on a lot of different forms, but the bottom line is that it usually pits family against family, and not always in a good way, especially in extremely competitive families. All you can do is deal with it.

This increased competition makes a lot of sense. You want to prove yourself and gain some respect, and the easiest way to do so is to win, preferably to win big. This is why your competitions tend to have an edge on them, especially when they involved your dad and older siblings, or someone you have in that role, such as close cousins, uncles, or even mentor figures. You want to show them that you can hold your own and the best way to do that, especially from your perspective, is to kick the butt of someone you respect. It can be fun, especially if you learn something from the challenge, but it can also be a problem.

Unlike your competitions against kids your own age, family competitions are unlikely to be fair, and those with the best skill are likely to win. This should not be adjusted and should actually be encouraged; it's going to feel a bit cheap if the competition is anything less than what you were expecting, and odds are good you'll actually have preferred to win when the odds are normally against you. You want the win to be as big as possible, and one that you actually have a good chance of losing, or that you even normally lose at, sometimes feels better when you win. Obviously cheating should not be allowed, but anything short of that should be. This can definitely be an exercise in pain and embarrassment, but that's actually part of what makes it so fun.

Most of the competition will be between those of the same gender, such as dads and boys, as well as age groups, such as older cousins against younger cousins. The most serious competitions will be between dads and sons, as the sons have the most to prove and the dads want the son to prove it. There is likely to be yelling, but this is usually just getting loud and excited; if it's angry yelling then someone needs to chill. A good competition is always worth it, and the more intense it is the better. Competition should be encouraged, and you should have a chance to lose and lose bad, since it means you can win and win great, and that makes it all worth it. 

Expressing Your Love Through Yelling

Part of being a teenager is having to deal with anger issues. There was a reason that kids used to be tossed into battle: All of that testosterone in your system is building a new you, with bigger muscles, more hair, and an interest in sex, but it's also ensuring that you have some serious anger issues. The easiest way you have of dealing with the extra anger is to lash out at those closest to you, hoping that they can deal with it and that they don't beat you too badly.

That extra anger to deal with can make life interesting, especially for your dad. You're going to lose your temper, frequently and sometimes visibly. The person who is most likely to deal with your bursts of temper is either your dad or an older sibling, usually because that's who you're yelling at. Yelling fights between kids and dads are legendary; it's par for the course of growing up. Even the most passive kid is more than likely to blow up at his dad at some point, and odds are good it's a moment he's been waiting for. It's not likely to make you feel good, and you're likely to fear for your life at least once. If you don't run from your dad at least once in your teen years there is actually probably something really wrong with your relationship.

Obviously too much yelling in a relationship is a bad thing, and it should never devolve into throwing punches. However, when it happens the best way is to get the yelling out of the way, and ignore that it happened; just chalk it up to having a good relationship. The cause behind the yelling must be dealt with, as sometimes the occasion was to get things out of your system. At the same time, respect that your dad is going to yell back, and he's usually louder; sometimes you need to yell just to yell. However, if there was something solid, an actual reason, that needs to be discussed it needs to be discussed.

The takeaway here is that dads and sons are going to yell at each other, and as long as that's it it's fine. If it was just yelling then the incident needs to be ignored, but if there was something serious it needs to be discussed. Yelling between kids and dads is a perfectly natural part of growing up, and something that needs to be allowed for. So lose your temper, but don't lose it completely. 

Blaming Your Psychological Problems on Your Family

Boys have a lot of daddy issues at this age. With all of the changes that you are going through there is a certain degree of understandable curiosity about how you will turn out, and the best indicator of that is your dad.

The curiosity aspect is something that gets a lot of kids. There is a lot of the nature versus nurture issue present here: You're never sure how much of who you are comes from the environment you are raised in or from your parents. At this age you stop listening to family histories for events and start listening for character traits, such as how is athletic, bad tempers, or the ones that rebelled; you want to see who has something in common with you and how they turned out. Of course, you are looking more for those who suffered from the same as you and whether or not they survived.

If you think it's neurotic, it's not not. It's normal, and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of weird things are happening, and no book ever seems to have the answers you are looking for, so you start raiding the family histories for signs of your imminent descent into madness or worse. You're sure that you're suffering from some weird psychological disorder and that if you look at your family history long enough you'll find others that suffered from the same disorder. Odds are good you'll find one of your relatives suffered from something similar, and odds are good it's the one you are scared the most of becoming.

And if you are looking at your family for weirdness, they are looking at you for the same. They have no idea how bad any family illnesses will hit you, and how much is just you being a kid. If you start demonstrating some of the signs that they are looking for, you may told about it or sent to counseling for it; if they start suspecting you of kleptomania or drugs, they are likely to act on it rather than backing off. It's aggravating, but it's a sign of how much they care. This is one time when it's better to care more than not at all.

There is some good news/bad news: No one suffers from the same disorder the same way. Just because someone else in your family suffers from the same disorder as you do, does not mean that you will suffer to the same degree: You may suffer more, you may suffer less. You never know, and sometimes you only think you are suffering from it. As such just remember to watch out and if you are having problems let someone know so you can at least talk about it. Some problems are going to be just a matter of talking them out, while others need some actual therapy; if you have questions about what's going on inside your head, it's time to discuss things. You may be doing better than you think, and if you aren't there are things that can be done about it.

You have enough to stress over. Your family's history should not be one of those things so now may be the time to talk about it. Not only will you get some great stories out of it, but it may explain a lot. 

Parents and Other Obstacles to Teenage Fun

For most teenagers one of the biggest problems will always be the parents. Kids are always trying to get away with everything that they can, and the parents are the ones responsible for keeping the kids in line. Another way to look at this relationship is that kids push their limits in order to demonstrate that they are capable of handling more responsibility and thus worthy of being treated as adults, even as the parent must enforce the law in order to ensure respect for authority: the kid takes on the attitude that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, which causes a lot of stress for the parent.
This relationship tends to get a little frazzled, and makes for some interesting dynamics.

It breaks down to respect and territory. Territory is the easy one to deal with, but can also create the biggest problem. Territory tends to be a zero-sum game: There is only so much territory and the boy wants his share. The problem is that the parents are only willing to rent him out the space, but are willing to respect the territory as long as the kid works for it. Suffice to say that as he gets older he wants more territory, but it's not likely to happen, especially if he has siblings. This territory doesn't need to be physical, it can be just about anything, but it does need to be won. Consider this a heads up: I've already covered this territory, but I'm sure I'll return to it.

Respect is the other fun issue. As you get older you want more respect, and sometimes the easiest way to earn is to do something to earn it. Some of those things are done despite parental approval in hopes that the response will gain respect from the parents, while other things to gain respect from friends and other people you want to impress. Suffice to say that most of your activities are going to be based on earning the respect of one person or another. Again, this is a head's up so that we can table this discussion.

The deal is that we're going to be discussing a lot about why parents and teenagers will always fight, and why that's not necessarily a bad thing. However, most of those conflicts are all about respect and territory, and the acquiring thereof. There re some other issues, of course, but those are the big ones. With that in mind, it's time to discuss parents and how big of a pain they can be.

[Oh, and expect to see a lot of articles for girls coming up. This a weird area for them as well.]

Clubs and the Usual Dangers

There are some dangers when it comes to joining a group, and a wise man knows the problems ahead of time. It is important to recognize that not all groups are as good as they may seem, and that while they may have the good of the group as a whole in mind, they may not be so worried about the interests of the individual. Because of this there are any number of potential issues that need to be worried about when joining a group. These usually come down to hazing, illegal acts, and immoral acts.

Hazing is one of those debatable practices as every group engages in it to some degree, but if it gets out of hand it can create bigger problems than it is worth. Hazing allows the person to prove himself to the group by taking some abuse, usually in the form of some verbal abuse and doing the more obnoxious duties, usually until either the person figures out a more effective way of doing things or someone else fills the role of the newbie. However, there is a limit to that abuse, and it can be hit really quickly. The general rule is that if the abuse is genuinely embarrassing, constitutes sexual harassment, or has a decidely physical aspect to it, it may be time to debate running from the group, and possibly to some authority.

Illegal acts pretty much speak for themselves. If the only way that the group will accept you is if you do illegal acts, even those that you consider victimless, then it may be not be the group for you. There is no such thing as a victimless crime, but that's an argument for another time; the bottom line here is that a organization that expects you to commit crimes, and possibly do time, even community service, for the group is not one that you want to join. Again, if it involves any serious time, possibly committing a felony or worse, you need to run, preferably towards an authority. Keep in mind that your youth will not always protect you, and your records will not always be completely sealed when you turn 18; what may seem important to you may have repercussions you don't want to deal with later on.

There are any number of acts that are not necessarily illegal but are against some sort of moral code. Consider this a catch-all category; it covers acts that you don't feel comfortable doing but are forced to do any way. There are always going to be those that push you outside your comfort zone, and that's fine as long as it's necessary. After all, you can't grow up if you allow yourself to be treated as a kid. However, an area that will catch you almost every time is when it involves doing something you want to do anyway or when dares or bets come up; the absolute worst combination is anything involve a dare or a bet and sex, and that includes something as simple as you losing even a T-shirt.

Ultimately, you are the one that decides how much punishment you will put up with. Too many jerks take advantage of their leadership positions to abuse those underneath them. Others think that enforcing tradition is a good thing even when they hated the abuse themselves: tradition is more important than being a leader. How you handle it is up to you, but keep in mind that if the abuse gets to be too much an authority should be brought in, even that person is outside the situation. You need to define what you are willing to put up with, and that decision, that chain of decisions, will define you for the rest of your life. Make that decision carefully.

When Clubs Get in the Way of Friendships

One of the problems with joining a number of groups is that you may drift apart. It may be regrettable, but it happens. There are ways to prevent this, but you shouldn't be depressed if it happens. Growing apart is an unfortunate part of growing up, but this doesn't mean that you shouldn't remain friends. Nonetheless, there are some considerations.

There are a number of reasons that kids grow apart as they get older. Some of these are due to necessity, as kids move from one area to another. Sometimes it has to do with parents moving, or because the parents see an advantage to moving the kid from one school to another; for others it is because something has regrettably happened to the parents. However, some of these reasons have more to do with changing interests as well as other changes wrought by puberty, including such evils as interest in the opposite sex.

The most common reason however is simply that the two fall into different groups and that the groups push them apart. This is definitely an area where peer pressure can be a problem, even as it makes some sense: A group does its best to survive, and that means hanging on to its members. Unfortunately, this also means that the group will tend to shove away those that aren't part of the group; even friendly groups will tend to push away those that don't belong to the group, even if it's just by existing. In order to maintain their original friendships, a lot of teenagers belong to close-knit groups of childhood friends.

Maintaining a friendship can be hard, but is usually worth it. It means that both parties need to put some effort into it. The biggest problem that they will have is the jealousy of the other groups, as those groups will seek to absorb the two into the respective groups. If the two friends prioritize the groups and seek each other out during other times and use social media to keep in contact, the friendship should survive. The biggest problem will be if the groups are exclusionary and force separation of the two friends; at that point a decision needs to be made as to which is more important, the old friend or the new group, and that decision is never as easy as it sounds.

It is also needs to be realized that some friendships will just run their course. It's sad and regrettable, but nonetheless it happens. It's best that friendships be allowed to dissipate if possible, or at worst that both parties recognize that it's happening. The worst thing that can happen is if the friendship goes down in flames, as both sides have some sort of monstrous fight and part ways on bad terms. If that can be avoided so much the better, especially as it means that you will have a contact for life. It needs to be noted that not all friendships will dissolve into puberty; a lot of them do survive the test of time, and that today's technology actually helps that. It just needs to be realized that not all friendships will last, but there is no reason for good friends to become bad enemies, especially if the two of them do like each other. 

Religious Clubs: Warnings and Advantages

This is about the age where most kids develop an interest in bigger things, and for some kids that means religion and philosophy. A religious club is just the right thing, especially if it allows for some exploration of the material. Even if the group is conservative, it can allow the kid to ask some very interesting questions and can do so in a somewhat safe environment. However, it needs to be debated, both in terms of whether or not it is actually useful and if it is worth it; those are not the same thing.

Some religions require that their youth join some sort of organization around puberty. Although this is for indoctrination purposes, it also provides the boy a number of opportunities. It acts as a common bond between other boys who are also presumably forced to do so as well and probably don't want to be there either; teenage boys can feel a little lost and finding others with some sort of common ground can be a good thing. It also allows them to ask important questions of other boys and see what their opinions are, to see if they share the same opinion or have a different one. Both of these provide a necessary normalization, where the boy finds out that he is just as screwed up as everyone else but it's cool because everyone else is.

It also provides a link to past generations. Boys need to know that they have something in common in the men that they know, especially fathers and grandfathers.They need to know that they are on the same path to manhood as those prior; if they aren't men yet, it helps to have some milestones to work with. Joining those mandatory sucks, but it's becomes a torture that they can share with their fathers and so that makes it sort of cool; it's a mutual pain that they can brag about enduring to those that both understand the pain and who can show them how much worse it is.

The only major problem is that the church fathers (or whatever the source organization is) tend to put the most conservative person in charge of the boys, and that is usually the worst thing that they can do. That kind of instructor is usually ill-prepared for the questions that come up, as he doing it more to control the boys than teach them. Suffice to say that it quickly becomes an obviously bad match, especially when he realizes that he hates kids, and especially boys. Although he can preach dogma, he is going to have problems relating to the boys and they are likely to have questions he just isn't going to answer.

Church youth groups (and their equivalent in other faiths) have some advantages when it comes to feeling normal. There are some potential issues when it comes to groups that are worried more about indoctrination rather than answering questions, but otherwise they can be great groups. Just be cautious when you can, and at least appear to go with the grain when you need to. Have fun, and remember that there is a lot more than learning available if you look closely enough.