The Naked Teenager

One of the fun parts about being a guy is that when you get a new car, you want to show it off. You want others to see it, to give you a few compliments on it, and to basically show it off a little. You have spent time setting things up to get the car, and so want to enjoy it; part of enjoying it is fishing for compliments on it. There is nothing wrong with this, as long as you aren’t too much of a douche about it.

Well, the same thing applies a teenager’s body. It may sound a little weird, but the adolescent body is an improvement over the pre-teen’s body; it runs longer, is stronger and more agile, and is capable of so much more than the body of the pre-teen. It is hardly that of Greek god, admittedly, but it is so much better than the previous body. There is also a normalization issue; you want to make sure that there is nothing wrong with it, and nothing beats comparing it to other guys of your same age. There is also that new interest in girls, and nothing says that you are on the market like showing off what you have.

In short, between pride, lust, and good old-fashioned wanting to make sure that you aren’t a freak, most adolescent boys develop an exhibitionistic streak. There is a simultaneous modesty issue, as the boy is unsure about the changes and fears he may be a freak, so gym showers all of a sudden are a special dislike of the kid, but it’s just a part of being a boy.

There is a reason that rites of passage have a nudity component. Besides the symbolic rebirth aspect, there is also that it helps the kid recognize that others are going through the same process; they maybe going through it faster or slower than the kid in question, but seeing where others are in the process helps establish that the kid is not a freak. As the first step to accepting your new body is knowing that you are not that different, this is not a bad thing.

At the same time, stripping down is seen as the cost for seeing someone else without clothes. Specifically, we’re referring to girls. Pool parties are seen as the perfect compromise; the water hides what he has while at the same time allowing him to see what the girl has. He can also show off some of his skills while not having to show everything he has. It also provides access to a large amount of cold water, which can be a relief for certain uncontrollable aspects of being a boy. A hot tub also works as it hides what the boy would prefer to remain hidden. At least, until it develops a little more of its potential.

There is a also some temperature control. A teenage boy is more likely to feel the effects of heat, especially at night. This just means that he’s unlikely to want to sleep in his pajamas as much as a smaller kid, and more likely to want to sleep with as few clothes as possible at night. As such, this is the time to make sure that the boys have a separate room, and knocking before entering needs to really be enforced on all sides to prevent embarrassing episodes. The whole “I’m your mother and I’ve seen it before” will not help anyone’s case.

So be advised that a little exhibitionism is par for the course, and should be seen as normal. It should still be punished when it is inappropriate, but try to keep an open mind.

Why you should avoid senior/freshman romances

Romance can be a weird thing when you’re a teenager. The problem with being a teenager is that you’re never sure when it’s romance or when it’s hormones, or even when it’s both. It gets more complicated when there is the promise of the romance having a physical component; if there is the promise of something more than just holding hands, then it gets…confusing just isn’t the right word for it.

Senior/freshman romances add a whole other level to the situation. There are a number of problems that need to be addressed with the situation. First off, let’s split hairs: I’m sort of in a weird position here. As an initiatory experience, I’m sort of for this; if you are going to lose your virginity, losing it to someone who knows what they are doing is probably one of the top two ways of doing it (with someone you care about is about the only way to top it, but that’s a conversation for another day). As long as it’s a one-time only, boy did we screw up, let’s forget about it situation it should be okay.

The problem, however, is when it’s made into a relationship. The problem is that the senior and the freshman have entirely different world views. The senior is getting ready to leave the nest and head off to college, and is looking at how he or she is going to change the world; the frosh is dealing with a whole slew of problems from changing bodies to hormones to new cultural norms. Whereas there are some advantages for both, there are some disadvantages for both as well.

The freshman gains the most in this relationship. The senior offers an anchor against the storm of emotions and hormones, as well as access to the senior’s experience and popularity, such as it is. The freshman also gains the possibility of that senior’s experience in other ways, especially if sex is involved. But that’s about it.

There is the disadvantage that the senior may act as too much of a shield against experience for the freshman, and may treat the freshman as the junior member in a relationship. The former problem is that it means that the freshman may lose out on valuable milestones while in the relationship, with the senior actually holding him back. The other problem is that a relationship should be between equals; if one is being treated as a junior member, then it is hardly between equals. So, he gains a mentor, a shield, and an anchor, but loses experience and is treated as a secondary person.

On the other hand, the senior gains little from the relationship. She gains someone willing to do virtually anything she wants, especially if there is sex involved, but she’s going to find quickly that the freshman is going to be a lousy conversationalist as he doesn’t have her life experience. She is also going to be taking lead on most of the decisions; she is usually the one with the car and money, giving her a lot of power in the relationship beyond her experience and the possibility/actuality of a more intimate relationship. However, at no time is the relationship going to be between two equals, and so it’s going to die eventually and painfully.

In short, as a one-time fling this can work. The senior takes advantage of the relationship, gets what she needs out of it, gives him a memory, and needs to drop it. The freshman needs to take advantage of it, and then forget about it, beyond possible bragging rights. It’s not going to last forever, and when it does there is going to be a lot of heartbreak. There is no way anyone can stop it, but be advised that we have been there, and that we know what’s going to happen. Trust your parents if they say that it’s time to break it off. You probably won’t, but at least you were warned, so enjoy it while you can…

Dealing With Peer Pressure

As your social status changes, so will your self-confidence. Your old status is virtually non-existent, that is, you are no longer a kid that has limited responsibility beyond school and your choices are starting to have actual effects. You are also unsure of your relationships; most of them should change, and that should be fine. And we won’t talk about girls.

The upshot of all this is that the way you deal with people is changing. Because of that you are likely to feel the need to prove yourself, to do anything you can to show that you really are part of the group. This means that you are likely to do anything older kids tell you to do, you won’t rat out other kids, and that you are likely to take on any dares. Understandable, as you showing you belong, that you are the same old kid you used to be, and those are always the best way to do it.

You are going to do it, so there’s no use in me telling you not to. But we both know I’m going to try anyway. Before you accept a dare, look at the potential for damage, both to you and someone else. You also need to debate property damage, as it may come back on you; the more damage the more likely that’s going to happen. You need to debate if the potential damage is worth. This does not mean to look at the worst case, but the most likely; prepare as well as you can if the potential damage is worth it, and go for it. Just remember to prepare as much as you can, and you should be okay. Well, reasonably okay.

You also need to debate when older kids tell you to do something embarrassing or painful. If it involves anything sexual, really debate doing it; this is definitely an area where you will feel forced, so try to avoid doing it at all costs. In general, if it is going to affect your health, you need to debate it. This is going to be an area where you need to think about consequences, even allowing for the need to fit in; you may think that you have no control, which is mostly true, but you do have some. If you have a cell phone, always make sure it is easy to get to so you can use it. Always make sure you have a way out, and avoid getting trapped. This is hardly a perfect plan, but at least it is one.

You need to get over not ratting out other kids. It is likely that something bad will happen to you, and you need to tell someone. It’s understandable that you will do everything to fit in, but sometimes that means someone is going to get hurt. If that’s the case you need to limit the hurt as much as possible, and that means telling someone. If you get hurt, people need to know how to fix it, and that means telling what happened. That also applies when someone else is hurt; you need to tell someone so that person can get the help they need. If someone tells you not to tell, that should be the best clue that you had better tell someone.

You need to debate your decisions. Now is the best time to start…

Why Alienation is Cool

Teenage is one of those things that we all suffer through individually. Up until now you had people that had shared in our life. When you hit a certain development point, so did your friends; you could thus discuss it with someone who was going through the same thing you were. However, puberty is different; you and your friends are going through it at different rates and so what is affecting you has probably already affected someone else or is about to affect someone else. Worse, there is no real predicting of which symptom will hit any of you next.

All of this creates an alienation from everyone you know. You are simply not as connected as you once were, and so you feel a little weird around your friends. This is fine; you are re-defining your relationships, even how you relate to people, and so there is going to be that disconnect for a little while. All it means is that you are re-evaluating your relationships, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Looking at your relationships is not a bad thing; you need to look at the people you know and how they affect you every so often.

This means that elders you once trusted are looked at suspiciously. You are looking at friends to determine which will help you and which are hurting you. You are even looking at siblings and parents in a different light. Heck, you are even having what you think are weird thoughts about girls, and that is definitely not a bad thing.

Ultimately these are going to be some weird years for. You do not have the emotional security you used to, you can’t trust everyone around you completely, and that’s no doubt scary. However, realize that it’s not necessarily a bad thing, as it gives you a chance to redefine your relationships and to look at the people around you in a different light; although it can be scary, it can also be sort of cool, as you have a chance to really get to know people you know, and some of it may shock you, some of it may comfort you, but it is definitely going to make life interesting.

Gangsta Mentality

The need to make yourself look bigger than you actually is a given. You want to be tough, and the best way you see to do that is to act tough. Right now, the toughest characters out there are rappers, who have criminal records, know how to use guns, and apparently get all the women they want. For someone wanting to be tough this is not a bad example to emulate.

Now, I could go through and deconstruct the gangsta myth, but that’s not productive to the conversation. More to the point, boys have emulated their heroes since the time of the caveman; the most popular heroes have always been the stoic stranger who fought with his fists when a bigger weapon wasn’t available, and got the chicks. Instead, let’s look at how you can do better.

Let’s start with the firearms. First off, never hold a firearm sideways; it requires a lot more strength to make work and it’s never as accurate as it may seem. If you are going to use a firearm, make sure you have actual training with it; the less training you have the more likely you will become a statistic, and not in a good way.

If you really want to be someone who is trouble in a fight, versus in trouble in a fight, just wrestle with your friends a lot. If you can, take some martial arts classes. This should give you the experience and skills you need. Martial arts insruction comes with the added advantage that someone is actually keeping score, and you can be rewarded for fighting well. At the very least, you will use up some of that anger you’re carrying around.

If someone offers to teach you dirty fighting techniques, shake your head and just walk away; dirty fighting techniques work, but they tend to get you into more trouble than they are worth. After all, if you are beaten in a fair fight that’s the end of it, but if they had to cheat it just doesn’t feel ended. Also, the techniques are useless against most actual fighters; a decent wrestler won’t give you a chance to use them, and everyone else keeps enough space between you and them to really get them in. So avoid any kind of reliance on dirty fighting.

Never do drugs right before a fight. I’m trying to avoid the “Don’t use drugs” preaching, but there is nothing more sorry than a fight between two guys that are high on marijuana. If you’re going into a fight, drugs will only slow you down or cause you to make worse decisions than normal. You’ll want to get into the middle of things, and that never leads anywhere good. Worse, when it becomes apparent that the only solution is to run away, you’ll take on whoever is there, up to and including the cops. Cops versus drug-infused kid: Never a good thing.

And never wear sagging jeans. Regardless of whether or not your believe that it was a trend started by prisoners looking to get lucky, it’s a bad strategic move. If you get into a fight, your pants limit your mobility; if you want to run, help a friend, or get into the center of the action, you can’t because your pants get in the way. On the other hand, if dating girls is something you are trying to avoid, you just found the perfect way to do so; nothing makes a girl less interested in a boy than seeing his pants below his waistline.

So, find a way to be tough, but do it in your own way. Learn to fight, preferably from someone who already knows how. Don’t rely on movies and rap videos for your firearms techniques. Drugs are bad when you need to focus. And please learn to wear a belt properly. This is one time knowing basic fashion may save your life.