Blaming Your Psychological Problems on Your Family

Boys have a lot of daddy issues at this age. With all of the changes that you are going through there is a certain degree of understandable curiosity about how you will turn out, and the best indicator of that is your dad.

The curiosity aspect is something that gets a lot of kids. There is a lot of the nature versus nurture issue present here: You're never sure how much of who you are comes from the environment you are raised in or from your parents. At this age you stop listening to family histories for events and start listening for character traits, such as how is athletic, bad tempers, or the ones that rebelled; you want to see who has something in common with you and how they turned out. Of course, you are looking more for those who suffered from the same as you and whether or not they survived.

If you think it's neurotic, it's not not. It's normal, and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of weird things are happening, and no book ever seems to have the answers you are looking for, so you start raiding the family histories for signs of your imminent descent into madness or worse. You're sure that you're suffering from some weird psychological disorder and that if you look at your family history long enough you'll find others that suffered from the same disorder. Odds are good you'll find one of your relatives suffered from something similar, and odds are good it's the one you are scared the most of becoming.

And if you are looking at your family for weirdness, they are looking at you for the same. They have no idea how bad any family illnesses will hit you, and how much is just you being a kid. If you start demonstrating some of the signs that they are looking for, you may told about it or sent to counseling for it; if they start suspecting you of kleptomania or drugs, they are likely to act on it rather than backing off. It's aggravating, but it's a sign of how much they care. This is one time when it's better to care more than not at all.

There is some good news/bad news: No one suffers from the same disorder the same way. Just because someone else in your family suffers from the same disorder as you do, does not mean that you will suffer to the same degree: You may suffer more, you may suffer less. You never know, and sometimes you only think you are suffering from it. As such just remember to watch out and if you are having problems let someone know so you can at least talk about it. Some problems are going to be just a matter of talking them out, while others need some actual therapy; if you have questions about what's going on inside your head, it's time to discuss things. You may be doing better than you think, and if you aren't there are things that can be done about it.

You have enough to stress over. Your family's history should not be one of those things so now may be the time to talk about it. Not only will you get some great stories out of it, but it may explain a lot. 

Parents and Other Obstacles to Teenage Fun

For most teenagers one of the biggest problems will always be the parents. Kids are always trying to get away with everything that they can, and the parents are the ones responsible for keeping the kids in line. Another way to look at this relationship is that kids push their limits in order to demonstrate that they are capable of handling more responsibility and thus worthy of being treated as adults, even as the parent must enforce the law in order to ensure respect for authority: the kid takes on the attitude that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, which causes a lot of stress for the parent.
This relationship tends to get a little frazzled, and makes for some interesting dynamics.

It breaks down to respect and territory. Territory is the easy one to deal with, but can also create the biggest problem. Territory tends to be a zero-sum game: There is only so much territory and the boy wants his share. The problem is that the parents are only willing to rent him out the space, but are willing to respect the territory as long as the kid works for it. Suffice to say that as he gets older he wants more territory, but it's not likely to happen, especially if he has siblings. This territory doesn't need to be physical, it can be just about anything, but it does need to be won. Consider this a heads up: I've already covered this territory, but I'm sure I'll return to it.

Respect is the other fun issue. As you get older you want more respect, and sometimes the easiest way to earn is to do something to earn it. Some of those things are done despite parental approval in hopes that the response will gain respect from the parents, while other things to gain respect from friends and other people you want to impress. Suffice to say that most of your activities are going to be based on earning the respect of one person or another. Again, this is a head's up so that we can table this discussion.

The deal is that we're going to be discussing a lot about why parents and teenagers will always fight, and why that's not necessarily a bad thing. However, most of those conflicts are all about respect and territory, and the acquiring thereof. There re some other issues, of course, but those are the big ones. With that in mind, it's time to discuss parents and how big of a pain they can be.

[Oh, and expect to see a lot of articles for girls coming up. This a weird area for them as well.]

Clubs and the Usual Dangers

There are some dangers when it comes to joining a group, and a wise man knows the problems ahead of time. It is important to recognize that not all groups are as good as they may seem, and that while they may have the good of the group as a whole in mind, they may not be so worried about the interests of the individual. Because of this there are any number of potential issues that need to be worried about when joining a group. These usually come down to hazing, illegal acts, and immoral acts.

Hazing is one of those debatable practices as every group engages in it to some degree, but if it gets out of hand it can create bigger problems than it is worth. Hazing allows the person to prove himself to the group by taking some abuse, usually in the form of some verbal abuse and doing the more obnoxious duties, usually until either the person figures out a more effective way of doing things or someone else fills the role of the newbie. However, there is a limit to that abuse, and it can be hit really quickly. The general rule is that if the abuse is genuinely embarrassing, constitutes sexual harassment, or has a decidely physical aspect to it, it may be time to debate running from the group, and possibly to some authority.

Illegal acts pretty much speak for themselves. If the only way that the group will accept you is if you do illegal acts, even those that you consider victimless, then it may be not be the group for you. There is no such thing as a victimless crime, but that's an argument for another time; the bottom line here is that a organization that expects you to commit crimes, and possibly do time, even community service, for the group is not one that you want to join. Again, if it involves any serious time, possibly committing a felony or worse, you need to run, preferably towards an authority. Keep in mind that your youth will not always protect you, and your records will not always be completely sealed when you turn 18; what may seem important to you may have repercussions you don't want to deal with later on.

There are any number of acts that are not necessarily illegal but are against some sort of moral code. Consider this a catch-all category; it covers acts that you don't feel comfortable doing but are forced to do any way. There are always going to be those that push you outside your comfort zone, and that's fine as long as it's necessary. After all, you can't grow up if you allow yourself to be treated as a kid. However, an area that will catch you almost every time is when it involves doing something you want to do anyway or when dares or bets come up; the absolute worst combination is anything involve a dare or a bet and sex, and that includes something as simple as you losing even a T-shirt.

Ultimately, you are the one that decides how much punishment you will put up with. Too many jerks take advantage of their leadership positions to abuse those underneath them. Others think that enforcing tradition is a good thing even when they hated the abuse themselves: tradition is more important than being a leader. How you handle it is up to you, but keep in mind that if the abuse gets to be too much an authority should be brought in, even that person is outside the situation. You need to define what you are willing to put up with, and that decision, that chain of decisions, will define you for the rest of your life. Make that decision carefully.

When Clubs Get in the Way of Friendships

One of the problems with joining a number of groups is that you may drift apart. It may be regrettable, but it happens. There are ways to prevent this, but you shouldn't be depressed if it happens. Growing apart is an unfortunate part of growing up, but this doesn't mean that you shouldn't remain friends. Nonetheless, there are some considerations.

There are a number of reasons that kids grow apart as they get older. Some of these are due to necessity, as kids move from one area to another. Sometimes it has to do with parents moving, or because the parents see an advantage to moving the kid from one school to another; for others it is because something has regrettably happened to the parents. However, some of these reasons have more to do with changing interests as well as other changes wrought by puberty, including such evils as interest in the opposite sex.

The most common reason however is simply that the two fall into different groups and that the groups push them apart. This is definitely an area where peer pressure can be a problem, even as it makes some sense: A group does its best to survive, and that means hanging on to its members. Unfortunately, this also means that the group will tend to shove away those that aren't part of the group; even friendly groups will tend to push away those that don't belong to the group, even if it's just by existing. In order to maintain their original friendships, a lot of teenagers belong to close-knit groups of childhood friends.

Maintaining a friendship can be hard, but is usually worth it. It means that both parties need to put some effort into it. The biggest problem that they will have is the jealousy of the other groups, as those groups will seek to absorb the two into the respective groups. If the two friends prioritize the groups and seek each other out during other times and use social media to keep in contact, the friendship should survive. The biggest problem will be if the groups are exclusionary and force separation of the two friends; at that point a decision needs to be made as to which is more important, the old friend or the new group, and that decision is never as easy as it sounds.

It is also needs to be realized that some friendships will just run their course. It's sad and regrettable, but nonetheless it happens. It's best that friendships be allowed to dissipate if possible, or at worst that both parties recognize that it's happening. The worst thing that can happen is if the friendship goes down in flames, as both sides have some sort of monstrous fight and part ways on bad terms. If that can be avoided so much the better, especially as it means that you will have a contact for life. It needs to be noted that not all friendships will dissolve into puberty; a lot of them do survive the test of time, and that today's technology actually helps that. It just needs to be realized that not all friendships will last, but there is no reason for good friends to become bad enemies, especially if the two of them do like each other. 

Religious Clubs: Warnings and Advantages

This is about the age where most kids develop an interest in bigger things, and for some kids that means religion and philosophy. A religious club is just the right thing, especially if it allows for some exploration of the material. Even if the group is conservative, it can allow the kid to ask some very interesting questions and can do so in a somewhat safe environment. However, it needs to be debated, both in terms of whether or not it is actually useful and if it is worth it; those are not the same thing.

Some religions require that their youth join some sort of organization around puberty. Although this is for indoctrination purposes, it also provides the boy a number of opportunities. It acts as a common bond between other boys who are also presumably forced to do so as well and probably don't want to be there either; teenage boys can feel a little lost and finding others with some sort of common ground can be a good thing. It also allows them to ask important questions of other boys and see what their opinions are, to see if they share the same opinion or have a different one. Both of these provide a necessary normalization, where the boy finds out that he is just as screwed up as everyone else but it's cool because everyone else is.

It also provides a link to past generations. Boys need to know that they have something in common in the men that they know, especially fathers and grandfathers.They need to know that they are on the same path to manhood as those prior; if they aren't men yet, it helps to have some milestones to work with. Joining those mandatory sucks, but it's becomes a torture that they can share with their fathers and so that makes it sort of cool; it's a mutual pain that they can brag about enduring to those that both understand the pain and who can show them how much worse it is.

The only major problem is that the church fathers (or whatever the source organization is) tend to put the most conservative person in charge of the boys, and that is usually the worst thing that they can do. That kind of instructor is usually ill-prepared for the questions that come up, as he doing it more to control the boys than teach them. Suffice to say that it quickly becomes an obviously bad match, especially when he realizes that he hates kids, and especially boys. Although he can preach dogma, he is going to have problems relating to the boys and they are likely to have questions he just isn't going to answer.

Church youth groups (and their equivalent in other faiths) have some advantages when it comes to feeling normal. There are some potential issues when it comes to groups that are worried more about indoctrination rather than answering questions, but otherwise they can be great groups. Just be cautious when you can, and at least appear to go with the grain when you need to. Have fun, and remember that there is a lot more than learning available if you look closely enough.

The Social Importance of Clubs

Part of the school experience is belonging to clubs. Kids can find those that share the same interests as them quickly and easily, allowing them a way to socialize based on a common experience. They can also find people who can answer questions they may have, as well as get better at what they do. Of course, what makes them popular is that they provide a great social out for kids that is reasonably safe.

It's that aspect that is probably the most important. Kids have few areas where they can be themselves and which are not watched closely. Most clubs are safe havens for kids, where they can go and talk about things that they are serious about that aren't about the usual problems. Kids need that chance to get away from the usual problems and deal with some problems that aren't as serious as others, and allows them to have some fun.

Of course there is also the prospect of being able to do stuff that just one kid would have problems doing by himself. A group of kids can hold marathon sessions to get things done, and by combining talents and schedules they can make fund-raisers more successful. Consider a bake sale: Kids can drop in as needed and don't need to be there the entire time, allowing different kids to start it than end it, and allowing those that can sale the same chance to shine as those can cook. If the kids can't be there they can help get the word out through flyers, posters, and even social media. There is also setting up and cleaning up that needs to be allowed for. It's not important how much they sale but that they tried to do it that matters, and that effort draws the kids together.

Some kids do sign up for too many clubs, so try to limit yourself to no more than two or three clubs, and include sport teams as two clubs. Otherwise, between the clubs and homework, you may spread yourself out a bit thin. Clubs should be about be about fun, after all, not stress, and that's one way to get rid of the fun. Pick the ones that you are most interested in, and go for it! You need to have some fun and see what you can do, and a club is possibly one of the best ways to do it. 

Why Sports Teams Make A Great Models for Peer Groups

A sports team is the ultimate group. As the best groups are based on it, let's look at how it works. After all, the best teams have the same basic parts, and by using those parts to maximum effect the team can accomplish a lot. It can only help to know how a team works. Let's look at a basketball team, as it has a captain, specialists, and even those on the bench that all contribute to winning a game.

Let's start with the captain. A captain must always be thinking in terms of tactIcs and strategy, both the short-term and long-term goals of the group. In the game he needs to be able to determine the best way to deal with the team and implement that plan. He also needs to step back and see if there are any traps that may be in the path, as well as knowing when to quit. Outside of the game he needs to keep the team practicing, so that it not only gets better in general, but also that it learns from its mistakes. He leads by example, if possible, but by making the best decisions he can regardless.

The specialists have their own skills that they can bring to bear. It may seem like all basketball players have the same skills, but the reality is that each player has his own skills that he has at different levels than the others. A skilled dribbler can get the ball from end of the court to the other, just as a great passer can get the ball to who needs it. There are those that guard others and the basket, as well rebound the ball from the basket and either tap it away or in. Even shooters have different skills, in that some can shoot for distance, others shoot best while under pressure, and others can escape to shoot free from other players. While practice ensures that everyone can do some of these skills, a good captain can use people in their best skills to effect in the game.

Those that do not play also win. A team also needs scorekeepers, drivers, and administrators to record what everyone does, get them to games, and to make sure all else runs smoothly. It may seem as if all the fun is on the court, but the others have their parts to play as well. By coordinating between each other, team members can do a lot.

Your team needs to be the same. You need someone to be in charge who is able to figure out how to deal with any situation that comes up. You need others that have their own specific areas, as well as a general skill level. There are also those that add their own very specific skills to the situation, such as a kid that can do research while everyone else can fight or the guy who has connections to everyone. All of these separate parts combine to make for a really nice combination of talents. The best you can do is figure out how your team works and watch what they can do. The best team can do all of this and more; you just need to figure out what they can do. 

What A Follower Needs To Know

Captain America's biggest challenge is being a leader of the Avengers. A leader requires followers in order to be a leader, but if those followers are any good the leader is not going to have an easy go of it: The best followers are always working on getting better, and if the leader falls behind he may find himself left behind. It's why it sucks to be Captain America, who is essentially a non-powered human in a group of demi-gods, super-powered beings, and guys who wear armor that can take down tanks: He has to constantly practice to be better, and if not he falls behind. But let's look at what it takes to be a good follower.

Followers need to keep in mind that the group must always have their interests at heart, and as long as that is the case, then they have no problems with the group. That is, there is an unwritten contract between the leader and the led, in that he takes care of his people and they take care of him. A good leader must be trusted, but he needs to continually earn that trust. He should naturally expect that those who follow him do so to the Gates of Hell, but they need to have a reason to do so. Without trust and loyalty a leader has nothing, and he needs to realize that his followers are always, and should always, be looking for a sign of weakness.

A follower must gain something from the group. He needs to find a niche, an area where he excels, and get good at it. Once he is good at it, he needs to get great at it. If anything gets in his way of that, it needs to be dealt with. The others in the group need to help him do so, because his getting better helps the group get better as a whole. As each member gets better, so does the group; it is better able to deal with bigger challenges, both as a group and an individual. In this way the group needs to support its members. Look at what Captain America does: He makes it a point that those under receive the best combat training, and that everyone teaches the others what they know, making them better able to deal with whatever comes up.

By the same token, a follower needs to have a stake in the group's future. This means that he must have a voice in what happens, and that when he speaks he must be listened to. A follower may have needed information that affects the decision, or a perspective into the situation that may change how others deal with the situation. Even if he is wrong, he must be given the chance to be proven wrong, and not just by being yelled down but through a reasoned argument. If he is never allowed to voice an opinion different than the group's, then he has no reason to be with the group.

He should also be protected from abuse, both from outsiders and the group itself. This is not being given a hard time, or being poked, or even being pranked, as long as limits are allowed for; teasing someone in a bad mood is always a bad idea. If you're having a bad day, then your friends should get you out of it, and nt make it worse. If the group sanctions abuse towards its members, then its members have a reason to go elsewhere. Each member must also be protected by the group, but if the member is not protected then he may as well go elsewhere. Obviously the member must mention the abuse in order to receive protection, or the group is innocent of the charge of not protecting him, but once mentioned then the person should expect results. That protection is part of that unwritten contract, and needs to be enforced. Sure you may be an idiot at times, but you are nonetheless someone's idiot, and that someone had better keep own it.

Look at what Cap does: He gives the person a chance to protect themselves in order to ensure that there is a problem, but he has no problems coming to someone's rescue,especially a friend's, if he has to. He not only shows them how to defend himself, as he recognizes that sometimes he needs to fight his own battles, but also that sometimes he needs help to fight them. A group that does not fight for its own members, even its weakest ones, does not need to have members, and the individual owes no loyalty to it.

A good leader backs his followers and allows them to grow. He also allows them a voice in decisions, even if, especially if, that opinion is counter to his own. He also defends those under him to the best of his ability, be it from those outside or even inside the group. By doing so he earns the trust of those he leads, and maintains that trust; otherwise he is of no good to the group. Without that trust, his followers must feel free to take over leadership themselves, or to leave for other groups. Captain America does all of that, and as such is allowed to lead. Followers need to remember that they choose the leader, and that gives them power, one that needs to be respected by leaders. A follower that forgets that earns his abuse, and only has himself to blame.

Changing Leadership In Your Group

Leadership isn't just important for the leader. At some point everyone in a group is going to be in the leader's chair whether or not they want to be there. That person's opinion will be the important one, and they will be giving instruction to the others. Sometimes it will be because they have the skills needed to complete a task that the group finds necessary to complete; sometimes it will be because someone needs to speak up. Regardless of the specifics, everyone needs to know when to take on the reins.

Most people like to remain in the shadows. This is easy to understand as the spotlight carries with it its own dangers, and the easiest way to avoid those dangers is to stay out of it. Any mistake you commit will be not be missed or forgotten as everything you do is in the open. There are always those that will tear down those in charge,either because they want the position themselves or because they feel it keeps the leader honest. Some just don't like authority and so tear at it in hopes that Chaos will reign. Being the leader means you carry a lot of targets on you.

Nonetheless, sometimes someone has skills that the group needs and that person needs to take control. This is just a temporary situation, and most people are more than happy with that. In this situation you need to remember that your time in charge is just temporary, and that you need to do the best you can. The better you are at giving instructions, the sooner your time in charge will be over and you can get back to whatever you were doing, and you'll have earned the respect of others.

Other times require that someone in the group go against the grain. The group may be about to do something really stupid that may lead it into dangerous territory, while at other times someone may have done something that needs to be corrected for the good of the group. When a bad decision may put the group at risk, someone needs to be aware of it. While the ideal is to let someone know before hand, such as taking one of the usual leaders aside and filling them in, you may have to do this in an open forum, such as a group meeting. You need to remember that you have a stake in the group's future, and that not speaking up out you as at much risk as your friends. In such a case you need to speak your piece. Once you have done that, you can slink back into the shadows.

Everyone has to take control at some point, even if it's just to speak up. It may be scary the first few times, but it does get more comfortable. More comfortable, but rarely does it make for a good fit, so you may never be completely comfortable when the spotlight is on you. As such, do what you need to do, do it quickly, and quickly you can return to your comfortable shadows. Just look at it as something that needs to be done, and you should be able to do it. A little courage is all you need, and you should be able to do exactly what you need to do. 

Keeping Your Team From Becoming a Wolf Pack

One of the problems with anything that involves team play is that the team can go into "wolf pack mode", where they find a weak link in the other team and put effort into tearing that link down. Once that person is down, it's on to the next. While that tactic does make sense, there is some cruelty involved in it; it works by thoroughly demoralizing the opponent through using whatever means are possible, and the meaner the better. This means that things will be said that should never be said, and those things have earned gaming its negative criticism. There is a limit, and you need to know where it is.

Talking trash is fine, just don't cross the line into verbal abuse. Never threaten another player with rape or other physical abuse; if the only way you can win is by threatening someone you simply don't deserve to win. Worse, it may have repercussions in real life, as you can get hunted down; you have made public threats after all, and some people take those very seriously. Threats of rape especially are taken seriously, and can result in you being banned at a minimum, and charges can be pressed in some jurisdictions. It may seem like fun and games to you, but it can get very serious very quickly.

Secrets should remain secrets; don't use a secret for strategic gain. Disclosing a secret for strategic effect usually backfires on you in just about every way, as it not only shows you cannot be trusted but allows the person to use your secrets against you as well. If you were using it as blackmail, keep in mind that you can only use it so often before there is some form of retribution, and using it for a video game win is pretty stupid.

Games, no matter how serious, need to remain fun. If someone on your team starts getting too serious you need some way of cutting them off. You need someone who can boot other players off who can be trusted to not abuse the power. If he says that you need to shut up, you had best shut up right then and there. Period. The bottom line is that games need to be fun for everyone, and abuse should not be tolerated. 

Friendships Virtual AND Real

Peer pressure isn't just about those that you know in real life, but also those you know online. The people you interact with online have just as much as influence on you as those you interact with in real life, and that's something you need to think about for a moment. You may text those you know and go to school with, but you are likely to have those online you message and keep track of. When they are hurting you want to console them, when they celebrate you want to celebrate with them, and they are likely to do the same for you. They are just as much friends to you as a lot of your real life friends are, and odds are good that some of your online friends are your best friends.

There is nothing wrong with that, despite what your parents may think.

Those relationships are just as valid to you as your real life relationships, and that's not a bad thing. Any time you react to another person as a person that's a good thing; being human should be encouraged. However, that means that means that they are an influence on you, and that's something you need to keep in mind: They have just as much an influence on you as your real life friends, and that influence can actually be greater as you aren't likely to guard against what they are saying as you would against someone who was physically in front of you. That's not the actual case.

You need to keep in mind that you need to treat them as you would in real life. There's a part of you that feels that, because you can turn them off at any time, they aren't as important to you as your other friends. It just doesn't work that way: You can cause just as much damage to them as if you were in real life. Worse, you are more likely to cause damage to those that play with you on accident because you believe that you can not be attacked; you know that if things get too bad you can go elsewhere an that no one in the game can harm you. This is not the case.

You are allowed to throw some abuse around, but try to limit it to how much you would give your friends in real life. You need to treat your online friends in much the same way as you would your real-life friends. Besides allowing you to build a greater circle of friends, it also shows that you respect them as well. That respect can be worth setting up, as people tend to listen you, and invite you into groups. In short, treat your online relationships as you would real-life relationships, including virtual gifts, in-jokes, and all of the usual fun, and you will find that you will have a lot more fun online. 

The Internet and Peer Pressure

The Internet has revolutionized how people think about a lot of things. For teenagers, part of that is that you include your online friends as part of your circle of friends. While you may not send them invitations to your parties, you do make sure that they are kept in the loop. Videos are posted, links shared, photos uploaded for viewing: Your peers are no longer just the kids in your school but anyone that you know and that they know. Kids in America know kids in Russia, China, Singapore, Japan, and even Africa. This is something that most adults don't even realize has happened: They couldn't dream of writing a friend once a week, and yet teens maintain connections with people across the world on an hourly basis.

This has its good side and its bad side. The good side is that you are exposed to culture from a wide variety of sources, and not just anime. You get to see a lot of different versions of American Idol, as your friends post their favorites from their shows. You compete against other kids in online games, in FPS, MMORPGs, and even apps. Those relationships are a lot more real to you than are most of your classmates, and that's something that your parents don't seem to realize; they are too used to relationships requiring a physical aspect and you don't. You have strictly online relationships that are just as real to you as your real-life relationships; this gives you a different world-view than your parents.

The bad news is that means that a lot of what would have been private and not gone beyond a small circle of friends now has the potential to go worldwide. Simple mistakes in judgment that would have been quickly forgotten and safely locked up in a family picture album now have the possibility of being around for a long time. Look at how it went for Light Saber Kid; he is now a known quantity and that's going to be something that is going to be following him around for the rest of his life. There are revenge sites where you can post embarrassing pictures of your worst enemies, and some of those pictures go viral. This could be a problem.

You may need to take a page from the corporate handbook and have some form of agreement, however informal, to not post anything that is too embarrassing. You may need to practice a new Golden Rule: Don't post anything if it would embarrass you if someone else posted it. For some people this could be an actual problem, as they are willing to post anything, either because they find it funny to annoy people or because they believe in living a life anyone can examine. Obviously some sort of agreement needs to be developed to deal with those people so that everyone can still take pictures of what happened without having to worry too much about repercussions later on.

Every generation has new challenges to face as well starting with its own advantages. The Internet is both angel and devil of your generation, and as such it is up to you to figure out how to deal with it. All I can do is wish you the best of luck, and I hope you figure out how to deal with it, and soon. 

Hazing and Its Warning Signs

One of the things that can suck about joining a group is to decide just how far you are willing to go to join it. When you join a group there are a number of limitations placed on your behavior, and those limitations form the basis of whether or not you should be a long-term member of that group. You need to decide what your limits are and when you have had enough, but there are some things to debate.

The initiation is going to be a big part of it. Hazing is illegal, but the reality is that every organization has some form of initiation. Those new to the organization are placed on a probationary period where they have few rights in the group and have to do all of the drudge work; they may be ridiculed when they try to say something and usually do all of the work no one else wants to do. Sometimes they may come up with stuff just to see if you'll do it. I hate saying this is okay, but everyone has to deal with it.

You need to seriously debate joining if the cost becomes too much. Sometimes this can be literally, especially if you need a lot of money during the probationary period to pay for group activities. If there is a lot of pain and humiliation, you may want to seriously debate quitting. You may be like doing it, but it may be a necessity, especially if you bones are getting broken or there is a lot of bleeding. If you are being coerced into any kind of sexual activity, run. If you can report any of this behavior to an adult, do so.

Obviously if you quit the organization there will be ramifications. You need to debate if those ramifications are worth quitting the group, as well as if the punishment you are putting up with is worth joining the organization. In theory at least the punishment should lighten up and disappear once you have gotten past the probationary period, so there is that at least. It's perfectly understandable that you want to join a group, everyone does, even the loners. Just make sure that your desire to join up with someone, anyone, doesn't become so desperate that you join any group and put up with too much abuse doing so. You do not want to be a victim, and taking advantage of your need to be part of a group is usually the reason boys become a victim.

Avoiding the Issues of Peer Pressure

While peer pressure can keep you on solid ground, there are some potential hazards. The biggest of these is that there can be a chain reaction created, where everyone agrees in order to present a solid front and to avoid being singled out. While this show of support can be great, there are some times when you need to be the voice that disagrees with everyone else. It can be difficult, especially as there is always the possibility of very real physical harm. Nonetheless, you need to break be able to break from the crowd.

For some kids this is easy as they don't care about popularity, or they have actually based their popularity on not caring about peer pressure. In some cases it may even be necessary to bring in an adult or other authority figure. Another option is to be friends with someone who helps define public opinion among the peer group so that you can mention to him that things may be getting out of hand. However, you will need to figure out a way to deal with the issue on your own.

Most of the time you will disagree with the crowd come in three shapes. The first is that a decision must be made, and a vote is made; in such a case try to make your point of view heard and then either go with the decision or bow out. Bowing out may seem a bit cowardly, but only if you do it a lot. Keep in mind that if you always make your point made and bow out, others will start ignoring you; if you want to have an opinion in something it helps to know that you'll go with whatever decision is reached. The best option in these cases to establish yourself as at least a voice of wisdom if not THE voice of wisdom so that others will at least listen to you. Keep in mind that this means generally going with the flow but occasionally, and on important matters, disagreeing with the majority, making this a hard thing to master.

The second is when emotions have reached a fever pitch and you can't really do anything about it; you must either ride the wave or get out of its way and deal with the repercussions later. You're just not going to be able to change the flow unless you deal something drastic, and that means focusing everyone's attention on you; that requires a certain amount of bravery and may lead to some potential danger later on. The third is when a decision has been reached but you disagree with the decision; you do have the option of rebelling against the decision and carving your own path; this is usually as a point of honor and while respected it can also lead to dangers.


Ultimately the problem of how you deal with the problem is up to you. Just keep in mind that if you don't deal with it the problem is likely to get worse, and you may end up in a situation that is far worse than it started out as. You want to deal with the problem well before it hits that point, making this one of those problems you want to stop as soon as you figure out that there may be a problem. As the decision is yours, this is probably one of the ways in which you earn your stripes, so to speak. Just make the decision that is best for you, and realize that you need to learn to live with it.

The Good Things About Peer Pressure

For all that has been said bad about it, peer pressure does have some good things about it. It gives you a baseline to look at, that is, you can see what is expected of you and base your reactions off that. At a time when everything is changing around you, peer pressure acts as an anchor, showing you how others have dealt with the same or similar problems. Although it does have its issues, it does make life easier when you have no idea what to do; you just look at how others have dealt with things and react accordingly. Just going with where it leads makes decision-making so much easier, and so it becomes easy to rely on.

The problem is when someone figures out how to use it for, well, not quite evil purposes but it may as well be. In this sense peer pressure can be used for good or evil; it can be used to get everyone on the same page and working in the same direction. This is great for any number of purposes, especially when it comes to allowing a group to get along or when you need a large number of people to do something that they wouldn't otherwise with as little thinking as possible.

The best example of this is when there is an emergency: Everyone knows their part and can quickly divide into groups as needed in order to quickly deal with the problem. Those groups can quickly organize and get going with what they need to do, usually with little encouragement. People seem to flow to where they are needed, and loners staying out of the way or contributing in ways that allow them to stay away from others. In the case of a natural disaster, this means that people will make sure that the injured are taken care of, the survivors are defended, and that rebuilding begins. It also means that there is salvage going for materials, food, and water, as well as search and rescue teams. What's interesting is how quickly things get organized and done.

You're going to be looking for some sort of anchor in the storms to come. Peer pressure is going to be seen as that anchor, as well as a way to attain some sort of normalization. It can help keep you sane, and sometimes that's a great thing in and of itself. Just remember that like an anchor it can drag you under, so you need to know when to untie yourself. Otherwise, peer pressure if used correctly is something that can actually make your life a little easier.

How Badly Should You Run From Gangs?

Street gangs do not have the best of reputations, and that's what makes them such heroes among boys. Although there are some obvious problems with gangs and belonging to one, there are some advantages as well. This is not to say that gangs should be anyone's first choice, but they do provide enough advantages to a growing boy to make them a valid second choice.

[Obviously not all street gangs are involved in serious crime. Also, pretty much all that is said here applies to pretty much to any tight group of boys, be they in the urban jungle, in the rain forest, or even in the suburbs. All things considered, there are are few real differences between backwoods rednecks and street punks except the setting and the music.]

Boys need to be able to talk among their peers about a lot of topics. When people are trying to process something it can help to discuss it with someone else, preferably with as much of the same background as possible. The changes wrought by puberty are a pretty massive set of changes, as they change the boy's paradigms on a number of different levels, as they have different takes on just about everything from girls to what's important. It can help to talk about it with someone going through the same mess, and the gang provides that discussion group.

They also provide support for the boy. This is not just having something to believe in, but knowing that someone has your back just as you have theirs. It is sometimes surprising how important that can be to a kid, but it's true of anyone; you can go so much farther when you know someone has your back. That support can take a lot of different forms, and sometimes it can be someone actually saying "no", but having it is always better than not having it. A gang gives that support in spades, especially for someone that really needs it.

Contrary to how it may look sometimes, a gang can act as a bigger brain than its constituent parts. As each boy brings in his skills and experiences with him, this makes the gang a great sounding board, especially if one is sure that there is a solution to the problem; he can ask his friends if there is a solution the group of boys can figure it out, or who needs to be consulted in order to solve the problem. That applies to any resources that the boys may have; the boys have a lot more resources together than apart, and by combining them they can use them a lot more effectively. A gang can be far more than the sum of its parts.

Obviously there are some potential problems with this. Boys in a group tend to ignore rules as possible, as they are more worried about what is fun and what they consider right than what is legal. There can be a sort of pressure inside the gang to just go with things that one of its members suggests regardless of the repercussions. The support and need to see what they can do makes a a gang of boy much more reckless than they would be alone, especially if they figure that they are in the right. However, that is the one major disadvantage to being in a gang; otherwise it is something that most boys will probably be in and it is something they should be. 

Are the Boy Scouts Relevant Anymore?

With all of the flack that the Boy Scouts of America have been getting there is some concern that they may not be relevant anymore. As the leadership focuses on its Christian roots this is a legitimate concern, but there is a lot that the Scouts can offer boys even today. As they continue to keep pace with most events it is an organization worth looking into.

[The issue regarding homosexuality makes a certain sense given how contentious the issue has been. There is the obvious issue that they have always been a conservative organization, ensuring that they would be slow in accepting anyone with an obvious difference. However, there is also the perceived publicity issue: Despite any number of studies that have been done, too many parents have voiced concerns about having homosexuals in charge of their boys. This has forced the Boy Scouts to walk a line that other boy-related groups have been forced to walk. It's an issue that needs to be relegated to the dustbins of History.]

The biggest advantage is that it's an organization that allows boys to be boys. Too many organizations seem to be interested more in shaping boys to be generic. Rather than taking advantage of the creativity and energy of the teenage boy, they are more interested in forcing boys into being some sort of "paragon of society", and that's just wrong. Boys should be allowed to be who they are and not be transformed into some generic person in order to make someone feel good about their personal agenda. Boys tend to figure things out once given a chance, and the Scouts give them that shot.

The Scouts also tend to teach a lot of miscellaneous skills, giving boys a lot more confidence in their abilities as well as a wide range of skills that they can take advantage of later on. Although there is a focus on survival skills, boys also learn a number of mechanical skills as well, not to mention life skills such as cooking and banking. This "expanded toolbox" gives boys the opportunity to try a lot of different things and see what they want to be, as well as handy skills for life.

They also provide an outlet for competition that boys need. Boys are natural competitors, and require that in order to not go crazy. The Scouts provide a framework for boys to compete and to get stronger from that competition rather than tear each other apart. Those competitions are not just for athletes but for academics as well; jocks as well as geeks gain from scout competitions. There are also group competitions as well, ranging from team sport to construction events. A boy looking for serious bragging rights can do a lot worse.

This should not be seen as a total paean to The Scouts, however. Some boys do not well as part of an organization, and it is a rather rigid organization. It can also get rather expensive, and there is a lot of fund-raising. While it does give a lot of room for creativity, it can be a rigid organization. Nonetheless, it is something worth considering.

The Early Warning Signs of Being A Bully

It's an almost universal truth that dealing with bullies sucks. However, while everyone has advice on how to deal with them, it may be worth considering what the warning signs of being a bully are. For the purposes of this conversation, there are two kinds of bullies: the one that is raised that way, and the one that becomes that way. The former eventually requires some form of therapy in order to eliminate some of his traits, while the second just needs to realize that there is a problem. The testosterone boost due to puberty combined with size gain is the biggest reason some kids become bullies, others because they like the rush of loosing their tempers. Either way, if any of the following signs apply, you may be a bully.

1) You live to destroy. Don't get me wrong here: sometimes it can be fun to utterly destroy something, and destroying competition can be satisfying. However, we're talking about when the act of destruction, of the violence itself, is the goal and not just winning. You want to wade in and cause as much damage as possible and if you happen to win so be it.

2) Rage is your defining trait. This is not just the standard temper problems every kid has. This is when you enjoy losing your temper, when you enjoy the sense of power that it gives you, and the laser-tight focus your rage gives you. You love being able to have a target to focus on, one that allows you to go after it like a missile and take it down.

3) You like power. It's not that you like the responsibility of being a leader; you can always let others deal with the details and if not you can always beat them. No, you like having people fear you and knowing that taking you on is a mistake. You like that people are worried about what you can do to them, and in that regard are willing to do what it takes to avoid a pounding from you.

4) You use threats of violence as a first resort. You don't like negotiating, and the easiest way to do that is to use your trump card right out of the gate. People have a simple choice: Do what you say or get smashed. Sometimes you even try to be subtle about it, but everyone knows that denying you is just not done.

5) You have no disrespect for anyone you perceive as weak. This can be younger kids, girls, women in general, the elderly; it doesn't matter. If someone is weak, it's not that they don't deserve your respect, it's simply that you don't care if they respect or not as long as you get what you want. On the other hand, you may have a little bit of hero worship for those you consider strong, and are willing to do anything they tell you to do.

These are some signs to watch out for. If they apply to you you may have some issues worth working on. Although you have some qualities that are worth working on, especially the strong will and leadership skills, you also need some counselling immediately. Get that and you may be able to enjoy the years coming up a lot more. 

This Is For The Girls: Slaughtering Harassers

Deaing with sexual harassment is something that girls need to learn to deal with. It would be great if we lived in a world where no one infringed on another's rights, but the reality is that, until the behavior modification chips are implanted, we'll always have that. Your two options are pretty much limited to taking it or dealing with it. Taking it may cause the attaceker to eventually give up in frustration, but the problem usually intensifies before it gets better. Sometimes confronting the attacker is the better path.

There are three basic arenas to deal with harassment in: in real life, online gaming, and social media. Social media is actually the easiest to deal with, and that can include any blogs you are on. If someone is being abusive to you, you can always block the person and notify the administrator. If the abuse is persistant grab some screenshots and show your parents or guardian, an e-mail the screenshots to the admin. Some blogs allow you to block the IP adress of the person, which means that they can't harass you from that computer again. If it gets serious, such as death or rape threats, get an authority involved ASAP; it's most likely just some troll, but it could be something that someone needs to take seriously, so do so yourself.

Gaming harassment is harder simply because it requires a thick skin and some ability to shoot. Threats during the game are meant to intimidate; they either cause the person to doubt herself, makng her less likely to shoot and therefore into an easier target, or to anger the person, costing that person accuracy and therefore less likely to hit. Either way, the harasser wins by making you an easier kill. You stop playing because it's no fun, and theyget new victims. You lose, they win, and that's not acceptable.

This is one case you need to ignore what the person is saying, track them down, and kill them. Period. Don't lose your cool, don't engage them in a verbal war, just slaughter them. Repeately if need be. I rarely encourage camping, but I'm more than willing to make an exception in this case, but leave the other players alone just to make a point. You'll find that you gain a lot or respect for dealing with the problem quickly and succinctly, and others are more willing to help you deal with those jerks in the future. You'll also note that it's an easy way to rack up kills as players that rely on harassment to soften up their targets usually aren't that good.

In real life, it's a lot more complicated. If you can videotape the harassment, so much the better; it's hard to deny vidoe evidence. If you can't, confront the person head on; it may be difficult, especially the first couple of times, but if you can cut down the harasser verbally you'll earn respect from others as well as discourage others from doing it as your reputation spreads. It does mean you'll have to deal with more agressive attackers, but you'll find that people that are willing to stand up for themselves gain allies willing to deend them easier; people also tend to band against bigger threats. You may want to learn some basic self-defense for those that turn violent, but this is well within your ability to deal with. Harassment is something that everyone needs to learn how to deal with, and how you deal with it now sets the stage for later. So figure out how youyou want to deal with it and do it. But don't just take it; that way is not as easy as you would think. 

Being Nice Online

There hits a point when intimidation goes a step too far. One of the trending issues in gaming is GamerGate, where women who happen to be involved in gaming are being verbally attacked. Of course, at some point it spread a bit into anyone remotely dealing with gaming or those people. This intimidation, like any other form of bullying, needs to stop.

The impulse is obvious: Internet sites allow an anonymous option that you can take advantage of to keep your identity hidden. This means that some trolls take advantage of the situation to write something vulgar on the wall knowing that they won't likely get caught. If you disagree with what is being said it is far too easy to just right something on the wall that is just there to offend and hopefully get someone's goat. Just like a tag on a random wall, the idea is show you were there, tick someone off, and then disappear into the night without getting caught.

Well, it has to stop. You know that words can hurt; sure you can look like you ignore them, but if someone says enough of them they can do some actual damage. Because of this you need to seriously debate what you say online before you say it. You need to start debating what you are saying before you post it. If all you can do is use racist or sexist insults then you just shouldn't post. If necessary, use phrases like "SMH" or "Seriously?" if you didn't like the post. If the facts were wrong, correct them, but make sure your corrections are right. But never just insult the person, and definitely do not threaten them; if you're lucky you will be banned, if not you could be facing actual jail time.

People are starting to take those insults and threats seriously. You can no longer be an anonymous troll without repercussions. Write accordingly. If you can't write anything nice, debate saying it in the first place. Of course, if you can offer constructive criticism, do so; nothing aggravates someone more than being proven wrong. Try that if you really want to be annoying.

Special Bonus: Video Game Etiquette

Special: Here are some good rules for Video Game Etiquette. Gaming should be fun. Do what you can to encourage that fun, and for everyone involved, not just a specific group. 

1) Turns need to be adhered to religiously. If they are defined as one try, no re-tries should be allowed unless it was interfered with. If it is for thirty minutes, then don't even try to get in before that thirty minutes is over. When your turn is over be gracious about allowing the next person his.

2) Always put unused games up. It makes sure that the games don't get lost and can be quickly found.

3) Don't play on someone else's file. Besides just being bad form, you can also mess with the person's achievements as well as anything he was trying to accomplish. It may seem like a favor to get the person ahead, but it usually doesn't work out that way, especially if he was trying something and you interfere with that.

4) Respect favorites. As long as that favorite is not over-powered, any player should be allowed to play their favorite character or role. If limitations need to be enforced, then so be it, but do try to accommodate any reasonable request. If they are turned down, provide a better reason than I said so". If your request is turned down, don't get mad if it's at least somewhat reasonable. 

5) If you play online at a specific time, let someone know you will be absent if you can't show up. Even if you are the worst player ever, your presence may have been depended on you or could have filled your spot with someone else if they had known. So let people know if things happen.

6) Don't cheat. Period. You can be as competitive as you want, but while cheaters may prosper they also suffer extreme punishment if caught. And you will be caught; it's just a matter of time.

7) If you have any informal rules in play, such as how many times you can try something or moves that can't be used, make sure everyone knows. Don't change those rules without notice. If you keep changing the rules, especially if the changes favor you, it's the same as cheating. 

8) If you know of such rules, play by them. If you do so, prepare for the blackballing. 

9) Don't accuse someone else of cheating without proof. If you do this a lot, and it's usually just because the person you're accusing is better than you are, then you can expect people to stop playing with you.

10) Any gaming equipment made available for use is to be considered group property while a game is in play. No matter how cool the system is or how great the game, no one respects someone who uses his ownership to control the situation.

11) Don't harrass players outside of the game and try to avoid racist or sexist remarks in play. You may think it's "intimidation", but others will see it as an attack. If you want to draw fire on yourself, this is the best way to do it. 

The Advantages of Good Etiquette

Never underestimate the power of good etiquette. A group that practices some form of etiquette tends to get along better, and that alone makes it worthwhile given how explosive teenage boys can get. It also allows a group of boys to do a lot more than a comparable group, as the group is able to act without thinking. This makes having some sort of code of conduct important.

Etiquette is more than just how you hold a cup of tea. It's a code of behavior that allows a group of people to interact with each other without getting too mad at each other. Table manners are an obvious part of it, as it allows people to eat at the same table without interfering with each other eating while at the same time allowing food to be shared. The same applies to when you can swear, how you approach others in public, and any number of other interactions.

For our purposes, it also affects how friends work together. Ever notice how different people greet each other? That's etiquette. The same applies to how things are shared, how you play video games together, even how you and your friends break up tasks. You have established a code of conduct over the years that works for you, and that applies to anyone you interact with. It's why new kids stand out so easily; they don't know to interact with the kids around them and that makes them obvious to anyone paying attention.

Up until now you've been dealing with relatively simple code. You're about to learn a whole new code as you begin interacting with new groups, and we're not just looking at when you start high school or with kids from other places. You're also going to be paying attention more to how adults interact and mimicking that, just as you are trying to figure out how groups of older kids work. You want to belong to those groups, and just like that new kid in a new environment you're trying to figure out what the local etiquette; if you can do that you figure you will belong to those groups.

Eventually you will be in those groups. You have a lot of rules to learn, but with any luck you'll figure it out. And figuring out that new etiquette is part of what makes puberty fun.

The Scariest Thing Facing The Teenage Boy

The worst thing about being a boy is girls. No matter what your personal take is, girls are the bane of your existence. There is no force more irritating, interesting, and aggravating than the female side of the species, and you get the joy of figuring out how to deal with them. There are no easy answers for you, but let's see what advice we can offer you.

Let's get rid of an elephant in the room: You may not be interested in girls, either yet or ever, and that's fine. They may be interested in you, possibly because of that lack of interest; some girls like that safety factor or because of the challenge. That's fine. All I can say is participate in the usual activities for now, as they may satisfy your curiosity. Have some fun with it, and take notes as necessary. Regardless of where your interests lie, sort of enjoy dealing with it, no matter how aggravating it is.

For the rest of you, you are seriously in trouble. You're going to hear a lot about how you're letting your little head lead you around, and it's true, to a degree. Get used to it, and consider it part of being a kid. However, this isn't about sex; it's about the social aspects of dealing with girls, and how you need to figure out what the rules are and quickly. Complicating the issue is that there is the problem that you want to really want to have a girlfriend, and not just because you're told you have to but because there is some interest on your part. So let's give you some; you can adapt them as needed.

First, avoid sex. You're going to want to both for the experience and for the bragging rights, and that latter is a problem. Bragging rights is not why you should have sex, especially as it affects the reputation of other people when you brag about it, and not necessarily in positive way. If you do have sex, don't brag about it. Note that I'm not saying avoid it completely, just don't brag about it. You're going to learn that the biggest braggers don't do it, and bragging can turn on you, especially when word gets to much larger relatives.

When she says "no", assume she means "no". You can argue all you want about what you think she really means, but that attitude can and will get you in trouble at some point. For now, don't make any assumptions and just back down when she says "no"; you may take a hit to your reputation, but that hit is a lot better than the consequences. Keep in mind that those consequences can include you having to deal with rape charges before you charge ahead, especially in states where consent is mandatory.

If she's being aggressive about it, run. You may want to charge in, but there is usually an agenda if she's coming after you; she may want to see boys fight and the easiest way to do that is to have a boy make a pass at her in front of her friends and family, or she may be trying to make her ex jealous. Bottom Line: Even kissing her can be trouble, and it's trouble you don't want. If it gets too hazardous, you can get away with yelling for help; it may be embarrassing but the alternatives are usually worse.

Always travel in pairs, at least. You need someone to worry about your back, and you need to worry about someone else's. Travelling in groups can keep you out of trouble, as long as you listen to each other. This is a time you need to listen the kid saying run, and you have the means to escape from it, or at least send someone for help. This is a time when it pays to have a mobile phone and a good pair of shoes.

I only hope you navigate what can be a hazardous situation, and this should help some.  

Post-Puberty Parties

One that is changing is the concept of parties. If you have any friends at all it is likely that you will a high school party put on by your friends and, if you're lucky, the popular kids. As these are going to be vastly different than the parties you are used to your parents throwing, you may want some basic tips.

Come with your own agenda: The parties your parents threw for you had a definite schedule of events: You played for so long, had cake and ice cream, opened presents, and everyone left. High school parties have no such schedule: You show up, hang out, try to have fun, and leave. You need to have some sort of agenda when you come in and need to have some fun with it. If it doesn't happen so be it, but at least have an idea why you are doing when you enter the door.

Avoid drugs and alcohol: Yeah, I know you're probably going to experiment and you're definitely going to try drinking, but you don't want to be That Guy, the guy that gets drunk or high, gets conned into doing something stupid or does something stupid, gets recorded, and becomes a hit on Youtube. I'm sort of in that weird position where I'm going to tell you not to, but I know you will anyway. So you need to learn how to nurse a beer for hours, take a hit, give it back, and walk away, and how to basically act like you are doing it while you aren't.

Don't hit for home: I know you want to go all the way, and a party is the perfect place for it. For right now, however, learn to walk before you run: Master kissing first. Figure out where the limits are second and how to stay within them while pushing them. You need to learn how to love before you can really make love, so take advantage of these years to really learn how to do things before you get serious. I know it's one of those things you don't want to hear, but right now you want to avoid sex. Give it a few years, okay?

Watch out for your wingmen and they'll watch out for you: You need to stay out of trouble, and your friends are the ones to keep you out of trouble. At the same time you can keep them out of trouble. This can mean pretty much anything, from drinking too much, to getting into girl trouble, and probably even having their backs in a fight. You need to do whatever it takes to have their back, and yeah, that includes living by the motto of "bros before hos".

A party can be filled with a number of social landmines, and it's going to be unfamiliar territory the first few times. Just like soldiers in war your friends and you need to keep an eye on each other's backs. Take it easy, enjoy the party as much as you can, and basically try to stay out of trouble, okay? 

The Obligatory Warning About Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol are a fun subject for pubescent boys. This is sort of weird subject, mostly because of cultural mores and changing tastes. As you get older you're going to find that foods and drinks that tasted horrible as a kid taste pretty good as an adult; the classic example is Brussels spouts, as kids find them too bitter while an adult finds them just right. During puberty you're going to find that a lot of your tastes change on a number of levels, not just food but your movies, comedy, even stuff you read, and that stuff you avoided as a kid you're charging in to try now.

Adding to the fun is peer pressure. Older kids have a certain degree of fun with younger ones and encourage them to do things that they wouldn't normally. The older kid does this to see what he can get the younger one to do, as well as give them a little experience. The problem is that this can put the younger one in situations that he is too young for, and isn't ready to handle. Yeah, that has to be one of the worst things to hear, and that's exactly the bait used to get you to do things that you shouldn't do. When it comes to a con, it's a great one because it almost always works: You want to prove you ARE old enough to handle it, and the best way to do that is to do whatever you've been told you can't handle. Soooooo...you do it and usually find out why you were too young for it.

This explains part of the charm of drugs and alcohol. I'm not going to get into the morality or legality of either here; they are beyond the discussion here. What is important here is that you want to avoid them. No matter how well you think you are prepared for them, the reality is that they're likely to kick your butt and then some. Worse, they lower your inhibitions, making you willing to try anything; combined with your need to try anything and accept any challenge anyway, and you can get into a lot more trouble than you normally would.

I want that to sink in: You tend to get into trouble anyway, and now you have found a way to get into any more trouble.

Worse, it's more likely that you will find out about what you did the next day at school. With lots of pictures. And video. And odds are pretty good you won't remember what you did, but you will feel pretty sick. So, you're going into school, feeling horrible, with no idea what you did at the party, and you're about find out about it the hard way. Assuming it's not on Youtube racking up views.

I'm obviously not going to try and discourage you from doing it. You're going to do it regardless of who tells you not to do it. But I wouldn't feel good if I didn't warn you, so take this advice as you will. At least I feel better, right?

Avoiding Jerkface Older Kids

One of the problems with being a boy in the throes of puberty is the need to belong. Although you may have the coolest friends and like them dearly, odds are that you all have an unwritten contract that you are trying to become the popular kids, and are willing to do almost whatever it takes to do so, and the popular kids know this. Because of this you need to be aware of your potential for being scammed, and that you are an easy target.

The simplest scam is for an older kid to ask you to do something for him as a favor. Usually this is something minor, such as grabbing something or delivering a message, and that should be considered fine. You're at an age where you are basically a slave to others, but it works out in the end. This is the price of being popular; you need to put in some time as the person at the bottom of the pile and now is that time. Just remember how much it sucked to be at someone's beck and call, and be nice to the kid you boss around.

However, try not to be too abused. You will be asked to do a lot of stuff, and it's bound to be humiliating, of debatable legality, and of even more debatable morality. There is no way to write a one-size-fits-all guide as not all situations were created equal, so I can't quite give the advice you may need. There are some situations that may be literally life or death while others may simply be an inconvenience; you need to make your decision based on the amount of potential fall out.

It's easy to say "avoid situations that you don't feel comfortable in and tell an adult", but the reality is that you are the one making decisions and there are variables that cannot be allowed for. If you can follow that advice, do so; otherwise, try to make sure that you are not abused too much. If you can establish a friendship with an older kid or adult that can get you out of trouble, or is willing to come and get you any time, no questions asked. You should be able to set something up with a parent or older sibling. You need some sort of person you can trust in an emergency, so develop that relationship if you need to do so.

Popularity can a beast. You need to decide what you are willing to do for it on a daily basis and that's likely to change. Be aware that we have all been there, and there are some decisions we would have wished had gone another way. Keep that in mind when you are asking for help; it may give you the guts to ask for the very help you need. Sure, you may get teased a little but it is the price of being rescued, and odds are good you'll need to be rescued multiple times in your adolescence.

The Importance of Personal Territory

Territory is a common theme when it comes to adolescents. When you were younger, you didn't really have any territory. That is, all of your bounds were set by other people; where you could play, how long you could stay there, and even who you could play with were decided by others. You lacked even basic privacy as anyone could check in on you at any time. As you got older you got more control over your environment: You could pick your own friends, you could play where and when you wanted (albeit within certain restrictions and with permission to go there), and you could insist on being left alone in some situations.

You used to define your territory in terms of things that you played with, and then your physical area that you lived in. Eventually that spread to your toys areas and then people you knew became part of your territory. However, you still shared it with others, even your toys. Sure, you had one or two that no one else, but in general it was "territory" only in the sense that it was your stomping grounds, the people you knew, and the toys you liked to play with. You had no ownership; it all belonged to someone else other than you and that was fine.

Now that you've hit puberty things get really weird. One of the big things is that now you have ownership. If someone messes with your favorite park, you get ticked. If someone messes with your belongings, even your old toys, you have no problem glaring at the person messing with them.On the other hand, if something great happens to your house you feel a sense of pride in the happening. Sure, you may be a junior owner with legal rights in the situation, but people had best respect that they are messing with your territory.

This has some interesting side effects. If someone attacks someone from the same neighborhood, you'll defend that person even if you hate the guy. If the local park needs cleaning up, odds are you'll show up to help. You just feel an attachment to the area, and you feel out of place when you are away from it. Understandably there are areas and objects that are high priority to you, and everything else in your territory is prioritized all the way down to the lowest priority.

This applies to your friends as well; you have your best friends and then everyone else is prioritized based on enemies, aids, allies, and people that are just in the background. The closer the person is to you the more important they are to you, and the more likely you are to defend that person, as well as give that person a hard time; an emotional investment goes both ways. It's also why boys like people that insult them; you never put any effort into people you don't like.

But...the point is that you have actual territory, even if it's technically not yours, and you are willing to do whatever it takes to defend that territory. For some reason that includes your friends, and that need to defend your friends explains a lot of your interaction with other people; someone says something that even sounds insulting about your friends and you are all over them like white on rice. This can make for some interesting social situations, as insults need to be avoided on all sides while at the same time establishing that there is some respect for the territory for all sides, especially when there is some debate over who owns what exactly.

For now, just realize that such territory exists, and that you need to be aware of what territory is claimed on both sides. The good news is that some people become friends based on shared territory as they band together to defend it, both the physical area and people, even as others find themselves in dispute. Always try to become friends with those who share the same territory; even if there are rivalries they can always be friendly ones. When it comes down to it, having multiple defenders is always better than just one ....

To Be Hazed or Not To Be Hazed

One problem you may need to deal with is hazing, and this is sort of where we go into some strange territory. Every group has its way of making new members prove their value to that group, and this usually involves a period of hazing, or initiations. This hazing usually takes the form of harassing the new member, or having the new member do tasks that are basically annoying or even humiliating. In some groups, this can also include having the new member do humiliating or illegal actions, such as streaking, vandalism, or drinking really questionable concoctions. Once certain tasks have been completed, a period of time has passed, or a new member joins, the humiliation stops.

The good news is that hazing is generally prohibited; doing so in high school can result in suspensions and worse for those forcing freshmen to endure hazing. In the 1970s and 1980s schools started putting an end to their traditions of hazing. Based on a number of movies that put hazing in a negative light, there was a movement that eliminated a lot of the hazing rituals. Although hazing still exists, there is little done to high school freshmen today.

I'm in a sort of weird place on this. Although I'm definitely against the abuses of hazing, at the same it did perform a useful function: Apparently the abuse created a bond between the initiator and the initiated. While the initiator was able to establish a connection where he was in charge while the initiated figures that the abuse was worth admission into the group. Basically, the pain suffered needed to be for something or it was a waste of effort and that just makes no sense to the initiated

It also performs a ritual need, in that it creates a dividing line between two separate eras of the boy's life. That is, you can point to a specific event when you reached a new level of maturity. To a boy hitting puberty that's actually important, as there is no single event that acts to show a boy where he becomes a man, as opposed to girls who can point to a specific event where they cross the threshold of physical maturity. Just too many processes take too long and it's hard to say when they started or stopped; a ritual is required to show that difference, and hazing fulfills that function.

On the other hand, a lot of kids were hurt and some killed due to hazing. Some of the humiliation endured due to hazing was bad enough that the boy committed suicide.Hazings have also been the cause for a lot of vandalism, and gang initiations have been responsible for a lot of other crime, most notably the boy's first murder. Some initiations have gotten a lot darker and nastier. In short, hazing may be great for the majority of boys but there is the issue of that minority, so while I would love to recommend the whole concept I can only suggest you find someone you can trust and talk them into initiating you. If you can, all I can suggest is that you do your level best to endure it and hope you come out the other side...

Trying to be Popular

When it comes to defining your own identity, there are some things you can do. The reality is that you have two options for the majority of how others perceive you: You can either be yourself and hope that's okay with others, or you can manage every aspect of your identity and have no time for anything else. Let's look at the cons and pros of each.

Managing your identity can be a lot of work, but it does mean you're going to likely be one of the popular kids. When I say it requires a lot of work, I mean you'll need to spend a lot of time keeping track of current trends, establishing contacts, and maintaining social networks. You will also be managing your wardrobe, keeping it up to date and constantly shopping for more clothes. And then there is the physical maintenance as well, such as haircuts, manipedis, keeping an eye on what you eat, and making sure you get all of the right exercises. In short, there is a lot of work involved in being what everyone expects you to be and there really isn't a lot of time you can spend doing anything else, but you will be invited to just about every party.

On the other hand, being yourself means fewer parties but greater freedom. You can play all of the games you want, you can work out or not, or you can just hang out with your friends. You can also afford to be honest; popularity usually means being nice to everyone, and that can get annoying. It also means that people have less power over your actions; if they threaten to uninvite you unless you do something you would rather not. Sure, you're not going to get all the girls but you will have friends rather than associates.

Obviously all that work a popular person puts into being popular will pay off later on as he is able to draw on those for any kind of business he happens to run, especially if it happens to be local, so there are some advantages to putting in all of that work. To be popular or not to be popular, that is the question, and you only you get to decide which one.

How Others Define You

This is the age where you start worrying about how other perceive you, and you are likely to dress accordingly. After all, you can at least look normal and that you are trying to fit in, even if you would prefer to hide elsewhere. I guess I should offer some basic advice.

Try to avoid fads that make you look like an idiot. There are just some looks that not everyone can pull off. A plastic mesh shirt requires a certain physical build to pull off, for example, and pants with lots of zippers always look silly. Always debate tight clothes; they are uncomfortable and may get you attention you don't want. For some ideas of fashions that look really horrible, look at the 1970s and 1980s, and I say this as someone who survived high school in the 1980s.

Debate clothes that put you at a tactical disadvantage. Some clothes seem to be developed solely for the idea of helping get their wearers killed; they make it harder to fight, run away, or give you some sort of disadvantage when it comes to surviving. Obviously I'm looking at wearing pants lower than your waist, as the pants can easily be pulled down, stopping you in your tracks, not to mention you can't run in them. Plastic-soled shoes also count, as they make running hard. Suspenders are of course always debatable.

Really debate anything permanent. Anything that marks you permanently may have ramifications that last a long time, and so they should be avoided for now. The obvious example here is getting a tattoo, as a tattoo in the wrong place or of the wrong type can make life more difficult later on. This can also include any number of body piercings, dental decorations, and things like scarification. If there is a compelling reason go for it, but try to avoid getting them just to be "cool".

I'm obviously not saying avoid all fashion. I'm just saying to avoid anything that makes you look silly, has a possible safety issues, or leaves a permanent mark on you just to be cool. Obviously you want to be cool, and that should be encouraged, just don't do it if looking cool is all you get out of it. 

Taking Advantage of the Chance to Redefine Yourself

One of the cool things about puberty is that you get to define who you are. You are actually expected to mess around with different identities at this stage as you find out who you are. Although some will try to mold you into what they think you should be, usually do to limited roles in the local culture, you still have some control over who you will be. Now is the time to start figuring out who you want to be.

Be careful that you are the one deciding who you will be and not those around you. Most of your decisions will no doubt be made so that you will fit in. That's fine. This is when you need the support of your friends and so it makes sense that you will seek to show them that you are part of the group. Even the rebels are actually doing their best to fit in; weird concept, but that is the role they have accepted and it is how people accept them. You are likely to do things in order to be accepted, and that can be a trap.

The problem is that you are likely to do things not so much for the experience but because you want to be accepted. While it's a perfectly understandable impulse, and trust me, we've all been there done that have the T-shirt, it's one you need to resist. You need to debate, however quickly, whether or not doing it is worth the feeling of acceptance. There is a balancing act you need to perfect, where you do need to debate if it is absolutely necessary to do the action in order to fit in, or if there is too much risk either to your future, your ethics, or your health, and you need to decide where those limits lay.

Expect to see a lot of adults shake their head at you. You have entered an age when you can be held responsible for what you do, but you are still likely to get away with a lot, or be punished a lot more lightly than an adult would be. Yes, a lot of it is how much you entertain us, don't get me wrong, but a lot of it is because adults expect you to make a lot of mistakes based on peer pressure and you need room to make those mistakes. At this stage most of your bad decisions will be because of peer pressure, and while we would prefer you didn't, we know that they will happen.

Just remember that while you are deciding what you will be, the decisions are yours. Please try to make the right ones, and ask for help or advice as you need it. After all, your future is yours and only you can walk it. You don't want decisions made for you by someone who doesn't have to deal with the ramifications. You're the only one who can make your decisions; keep that in mind at all times.

Locker Room Nightmares

The locker room seems to be the stuff of many pubescent nightmares. When you were six running around naked part of why you did it was to see what kind of equipment other people had; since it is usually covered up with clothing you were naturally curious what they were hiding. When your body started changing odds are you grew fearful because, with nothing to compare it with, you were worried what kind of disease you may have. You wanted to hide it and then you were forced to strip in front of other people.

[For those without locker rooms: Boys find ways to compare. Before locker rooms there was the swimming hole and sauna In some places public baths have been the norm forever. Some boys have had to make do with having sleepovers. Feel free to substitute as needed.]

Locker rooms cause a lot of nervousness because of human nature. For boys that are changing ahead of the curve, there is the fear that they may be freaks; they are developing things that none of their friends. As long we're not talking pubic hair before 9 years old or so, they should be fine. Although there are some conditions that will mimic the onset of puberty or actually cause it at an earlier age they are usually rare; a trip to the doctor's will either confirm or allay suspicions. For most kids, however, don't sweat it; you're just ahead of the curve and your friends will be catching up soon enough.

For those that are behind it, there is the fear that they will be left behind and have to stay back with the little kids forever and may have to be separated from their friends; both of us these are very understandable fears, but you need to relax. Some kids just develop slower than others, and some conditions, such as being overweight, can slow things down. Puberty should start no later than 15 or so; if you still haven't started smelling and getting hairier, you need to discuss things with a doctor. Until then, however, don't stress; you are still within normal limits.

For everyone else, there are still some issues worth discussing. Size is an obvious issue; having size contests and actually measuring it is par for the course. Penis size is assumed to have something to do with sexual prowess; it doesn't, so get over it. It's not the size that makes you a better lover, but confidence and practice (I'm not encouraging sexual activity at this age beyond kissing; master that first). Again, if you have any fears talk to a doctor, just be aware that there are variety of sizes and shapes so there is a healthy range.

Part of that worry is the cut/uncut problem: Not all boys are circumcised. Regardless of whether it is the local cultural norm this is an issue because boys are worried about all aspects of their appearance, but especially their penis; this makes some sense as it's something they can't control and it is sort of the reason they are undergoing the changes (puberty sets the stage for sexual maturation after all). If the boy is from the section that isn't the cultural norm it makes him even more nervous. All you can do is accept that it is part of you, that it does need to be part of someone else, and let it go.

Boys are also worried that they are being looked at and being judged, and that some boys want to force sex onto them. This is not an unfounded fear; after all, you are doing the same to other boys, and there is a lot of teasing about that at this age. All I can say is go with it, do it yourself, and if it hits the stage of bullying deal with it as you would regular bullying. As for the other, understand that at this stage sexual identity is a very confusing situation and as long as you avoid having sex at this age you should be okay. If you don't avoid it, just make sure that you take proper precautions; a condom prevents more than pregnancy, so make sure that one is in use regardless of who you have sex with

[Eventually I will get around to all of the sexual issues, but it may take a while.]

But yeah; other boys are looking at you as a sex object just as you are them, as it's just part of being a pubescent boy with hormones raging. At this stage you have no control who you are attracted to, and you are going to look at those you have some familiarity with and respect; you're likely to be be attracted to boys you worship, as those that worship you may have dreams of you. Yeah, it's creepy, but you just have to accept it for right now.

So...the locker room is the site of many pubescent fears. All I can say is that while they are legitimate, you just need to get in there, scrub up, and get out as quickly as possible. You need to face your fears, get over your issues, and realize that it's more likely that someone else is dealing with the same issues. We all had to go through it, will go through it, or are currently dealing with it; just deal with it.

The Social Changes Begin

When you look at you and your friends it's hard not to compare yourselves to a wolfpack. You've got a leader, his second-in-command, and at least one person who loves to fight and another that can make peace. You have found out how, over the years, that you can depend on each other, and that they have your back when yours is against the wall, just like you have theirs.

When boys hit puberty those bonds will be tested and possibly strengthened. As your bodies change so may your roles. Just as we've discussed your mind and body, now we get to discuss what role you will have in your group. As boys change, the dynamics of the group change as well. This is just noting that the leader may become a follower, and the guy who was the quietest may become the loudest. Your group evolves over time, and sometimes events force that evolution. Puberty is one of those events.

As we look into group dynamics, remember that they can change at any time. That's fine, and while it may be resisted it will happen to at least some degree. You just need to realize that you are part of a group and that group will help you survive puberty. 

How to Escape From the Ghetto

PSG
It has never been easy to be young and black in America, and the events in Ferguson have brought this home. Events like this hit the youngest, especially as they demonstrate that an already uncertain future is all that more uncertain. With all that is against them. all I can do is offer some basic advice, even as I recognize that it may be a bit cliched. That first cliche is that not all is as bad as it can be and that things can get better, but you need to be the one that makes the change in your life.

Here's the deal: I know that this advice will fall on initially deaf ears. Once you have made the mistake yourself once, twice, hopefully no more than than three times. Experience is unfortunately the best teacher. So while you may ignore this advice on hearing it, keep it in mind for when you fail and this may help you pick up the pieces.

1) Focus.
Decide on what you want and where you want to be when you grow up. Now is the time to start working towards that. You need to draw up a plan and start putting it into action. By working toward a future you may be able to escape where you and hopefully bring others with you.

2) Dream of success, not glory.
It's easy to hew to the path of glory. It offers the greatest reward for the least effort, albeit with the greatest risk of failure. Boys tend to stick to the path that their heroes have tread, yet this can be dangerous as we don't call them heroes for nothing. I say this because it's easy to get follow the same path as those that we have seen become famous who have the same skills that we do. Find your own path, and find your own success.

3) Resist peer pressure.
Nothing is more powerful than the desire to be liked and loved by one's peers. At the same time, there is nothing more dangerous than seeking acceptance. You will do things just to be part of the group and some of those things will be things you regret. Again, strive to follow your own path. Seek advice from others, sure, and defend those you love, but you need to realize that limiting your actions to following the herd will always be the path to ruin.

4) Be part of something.
As humans we're intrinsically social animals. We're at our most powerful when we act as a group. By being part of a group we make ourselves greater than we are. You gain a lot of strength by being part of something bigger than you are. This is not a contradiction of the last statement; you just need to know when to be part of a group and when to be yourself. You need to realize when something is wrong, when it's going the wrong way, and not be afraid to change that path.

In short, be you. Whatever that is, find it, and embrace it. Follow that to the end just to see where it goes. You only live once, right? Why waste it being someone else?